I made a bad choice today. Sadly the older I get the more bad choices and mistakes it seems I make. They say "The more I learn the less I know" It's so true. The more I learn the more I realize how fallible I am. Today we went hiking with some ladies in the neighborhood. As we walked on the trail four ladies went ahead chasing after my twins, Jaidyn and the other little girl that was running ahead. As they tried to keep up with the kids ahead I stayed back with Carl James. He struggled to keep up with their pace and they were quickly far out of sight from us, which worried me with me not being able to see my twins and Jaidyn. So I tried to keep him moving without leaving him. We got a mile into the trail which took half an hour and ended up at a park. They wanted to go ahead and see if the trail continued past the big field of grass and up past the parking lot. My gut told me that I needed to turn around for Carl James but I followed them. It did not lead to a path. They wanted to walk down a road and then up a road to look for the path. I told them I needed to turn around. Four ladies kept walking ahead, 2 stayed back with me (one of them I gave a ride to). Things were fine for a while since Carl James got to rest while we chatted about what to do. Then we stopped for a snack and then we kept going. The 2 ladies that turned around with me started to walk ahead and my twins followed. Jaidyn was whining about her legs being tired at this point and I started to give her a piggy back ride (I am 19 weeks pregnant). I watched Carl James. His gait was getting more sloppy, his face was bright red, he was dripping sweat off of his forehead and he started to breathe more heavily. He needed a break but I wanted to catch up to the twins and I promised this lady I would have her home around 12:30 and she seemed anxious to get home.
I should have slowed down. I should have called the ladies ahead and told them to send my twins back. I should have told the lady that I gave a ride that I needed to slow down dramatically but if she wanted to she could ride home with the other lady from out neighborhood. What I should have done was look out for my son and my family. The way I pushed him today was unacceptable. I thought my heart was breaking because they didn't understand and they weren't waiting, I thought my heart was breaking because I was realizing how much the world will pass him by and not wait, I thought my heart was breaking because I was being misunderstood and I felt torn between being with my twins and being with Carl James. That is all probably true but later today I realized my heart was breaking because I wasn't making the right choice and it hurts to make the wrong choice. Something inside of us knows when we are making the wrong choice and our conscience won't let us settle. My heart was breaking because my son needed me and I was failing to see his needs first. The lady I gave a ride could wait an extra half hour or ride with the other lady from our neighborhood. The twins could slow down, I could have chosen him first but instead I was worried about her feelings and my obligations.
I want to be strong enough to choose my family's needs first. I want to be wise enough to trust my maternal instinct and trust that my children need me first. I want to have a clear head when my child needs me and not an anxious jumbled mess. I used to be strong enough to assert my needs. One day that changed, one day I decided to listen to other people first, that my needs weren't that important. I don't know when I just know that there was a shift. Today was hard. I went home crying. Feeling misunderstood and frustrated. I went home sad that my child doesn't have the freedom of movement that I wish he had. I went home frustrated that I had to have such a craving for movement yet the Lord gave me a child that severely limits my ability to get out and move like I wish. But today was good because I realized....I didn't choose my family and it was a clear enough example to help me recognize it and to face that knowledge and to analyze my life. This must be a pattern for me (to worry more about the needs of others) and I must need to remedy it or I wouldn't have experienced what I did today.
I am sorry Carl James. I am sorry that I didn't slow down more for you. I am sorry that I let you suffer in silence because that is how you are. I am sorry that I didn't choose you. It wasn't a conscious effort; had I seen this clearly in the moment I would have chosen differently but you gave me the opportunity to see a flaw and a weakness I have and for that I am grateful. Thank you Carl James for teaching me today. All of you kids teach me everyday. Thank you Kylee for the hugs while I sat on the couch crying.
I am going to do better by you guys. I am going to be strong enough to choose right for my family even when people don't understand. I am going to choose you. I am going to make a conscious effort to choose all of you. Another good thing that came of today is that I realized I might not be as horrible of a person as I thought. I know that I always push Carl James when we are hiking. I want to get further up the mountain and I want to not slow the twins down too much. So i push him even when i can see that he is tired but today I saw how much faster I COULD be going but I don't. It made me realize how much I do slow down for him. How much we do enjoy nature and the scenery. It made me realize that yes I push him but I also put his needs into consideration. I realized that I am better at showing him I love him than I thought. I might feel impatience inside but I fight it and I take the time to enjoy the scenery and usually we have a much better time doing so.
I love hiking far and exploring more but today I realized I love hiking with my family. I like the little groove we have going and it's okay that we stop and we explore the nooks and crannies and the bugs and enjoy the shade. Life is good.
