Dear New Mom

I recently had a baby, my fifth baby, and I have been enjoying every minute of it! I remembered though it wasn't always like that and it's that memory that inspired me to write this post.

Our newest addition. Baby #5!

Dear New Mom,

First off I want to say that you are going to do great. The more you worry about how you are doing, especially if you are comparing yourself to others, the less you will be able to hear your own voice and listen to your own intuition about your child. You will also miss out on some of the joy that your little bundle will bring. My aunt gave me some great advice before I got married, that I think is applicable here. She said "Don't judge the quality of your relationship by anyone else or anyone else's relationship. You guys will have your own balance which you will find the longer you're together. Enjoy the differences in each other. It will make your relationship very unique." You will parent and nurture differently than anyone else you know, even different from your own mother and your style of parenting will be exactly what your child needs to grow and learn. Trust your own intuition and trust the times you need to stand your ground as well as the times you need to make changes and allow shifts to happen.

The next thing I want to say is...let him/her be little. There are so many exciting things to look forward to. The first cry, the first time you hold him/her in your arms, the first coo, the first smile etc. There are also things we look forward to for our own conveniences such as "I can't wait until he can hold his head up, hold his own bottle, sit up on his own, crawl, feed himself, walk" etc. Oh but the moments between are so precious. If you skipped to all of the milestones with nothing in between it would be like having christmas one day, then waiting another and having christmas again. There is no build up, no waiting, no longing, no excitement, no planning. It would be a tragedy if our children grew up in the blink of an eye.

Enjoy those sleepy moments, cuddle with the baby, sleep with the baby, savor the moments that you have the privilege of stopping everything you are doing and feed that baby. Before you know it that baby will be more independent than you would like and you will look back on those sweet baby pictures and think "why did I wish those moments away?"

My sweet bay is already smiling and laughing and

 it sees like he was born just yesterday



I can attest to this in a very deep and painful way. My first born was born with spina bifida. A congenital birth defect where the spinal cord is exposed in the womb and needs to be closed at birth. This affects his nerves and therefore affects his sensations and movements. Because of where his lesion is (the opening of the spine) the doctors weren't quite sure exactly what his lifestyle would be. While they can never tell you exactly how spina bifida will affect a child's lifestyle it was my understanding that where his lesion is, it has even a wider range of symptoms than other places a lesion could be. I was told he could be fine with no symptoms or he could be wheelchair bound, although they were pretty sure it would affect his walking, bowel and bladder at least.

I watched for every milestone like a hawk. I gave him plenty of tummy time so he could learn to roll over. We did therapy at 8 months to help him learn to sit up better. We did therapy at 15 months to get him to stand without holding onto something. When he was two I would take him out on dollar night to a local pool that had shallow water and let him practice walking in the water. At this point he couldn't walk without a walker and the water buoyed him up so he could walk.

Him at around 2 years old, using his walker.

One day a friend of mine met me at the pool with her little boy that was my son's age. We traded boys for a moment and I scooped her son up in my arms and took him straight to the deep end where I spun him in circles while dipping his feet in and out of the water. We both laughed and giggled. For a moment I had the thought "This is fun. I wish my son wasn't disabled."

Then it hit me. I had brought my son to this pool maybe 4x that season and not once had I taken him to the deep end and spun him around in a circle while lifting him up and down and dipping his feet in the water. I immediately went and grabbed my son and spun him around in the deep end. I learned an important lesson that day about not being so busy looking ahead that you miss the joy in the present. I learned that my son needed me to enjoy him right now, just the way he is. I learned that I needed that moment just as much as my son, if not more. I realized that by enjoying my son the burdens of his disability felt lighter.

So I encourage you, to do your best, to love every moment and to do all that you can to make hard things fun. I encourage you to definitely work in the shallow end. That's our job as a mom but don't neglect the fun adventures in the deep end.

My two year old I went swimming with is now 8
and as handsome as ever. Time flies!

Keep them writing.

I remember as a young child my mother would say "Okay kids, it's time to get our your journals!" I was homeschooled for most of my elementary years and as part of our schooling she felt it was important that we journal. I remember moaning and groaning that she was making us write again! After all what interesting things could I say day after day? Well I kept those journals and while not every entry is interesting I am amazed at how many of them are! It turns out that the most interesting things I have written were the things that at the time I found the most boring.

Some days my journal started out like this...."Mom is making me journal. I don't know what to write about....Oh, hold on, I'll be right back...Okay I am back. Jamie pushed the nipple inside her bottle again and I had to go and push it back out cause she was crying. She does this all the time. She will push the nipple in and then cry that she can't drink her milk. So you have to go and push the nipple back out and then she will push it back in again and cry." Another day "My sister gets upset when any of us fight. If she thinks we are fighting she will sit on one of us and pin us down and then run her hands down one of our faces and say in a calming tone 'complicate, complicate'. She thinks it means to calm down"

The every day, in and out mundane things are the funnest to look back on. The funny quirks about a family member. The milestones of a younger sibling. The quarrels that always went on in the house. The funny stories my dad would tell in what we called his "preacher voice". The sayings my mom would say or the songs she would wake us up with. All of those things seemed like things I would never forget. For example, when I was 13 one of my friends slept over at my house and we stayed up until like midnight or 2 a.m. My mom being her cheerful self woke up the whole house yelling "It's 9 o'clock and all is well!!" My friend sat up with her hair in a mess and her eyes tired and puffy and said in a tired confused voice "Why is your Mom singing about whales?" Just one of many funny moments caputured in a joural that otherwise may have been lost to memory. 

I am so grateful to a mother who taught me the power of the written word and encouraged me to journal even if I fought her on it. I now have journals I can read to my kids. It has also encouraged me to start a journal for each of my kids. That has been a very fun and rewarding endeavor. Although my children are young I encourage them to journal as well. Sometimes I help them by writing things down for them, other times I have them draw a picture. They each have their own journal to write in themselves and sometimes I let them add to their journals that I write in for them. If it's not obvious; in time, I learned to lvoe to write. I eventually started writing poetry and even journaled for fun! 

So moms...Keep them writing! Give your children a safe place to express themselves. Give them the freedom to write about what they want and listen when they want to read what they wrote. It might be  the only insight you get inside their little heads. Who knows, maybe one day they won't be able to get enough of writing and they will have you to thank for it! 

Thanks Mom! 

Measuring Stick

Dinner is over, the kids scramble off to get ready for bed and I'm left with putting the left overs away and washing the dishes. As I wash the dishes I'm recounting the day. What was good about it, what went wrong, what could have gone better, what was done, what was left undone, etc. I said to my  husband "You know what stinks about being a mom? Well I guess you could say it's good depending on how you look at it but there is no measuring stick to see how you are doing. At the end of the day I can't just look at this measuring stick and see that I didn't quite make it to the top but with a few changes I could make it there, or I could see that it was a good successful day, or I could see that I was totally failing, even better I could see that I was going above and beyond. There is no such thing though.

I struggle to fall asleep as I lay in bed wondering if I did everything right and what I could change to make the rest of the days better. I'm wondering if my time was spent in the best place possible with the child who needs it most. I'm left wondering if I met all of their needs or if something in their tiny hearts went unseen. I feel guilt over the moments of impatience and worry what I might mess up tomorrow cause as much as I might promise myself I'll never get impatient or cross with them again, I know I will.

I say this not to evoke sympathy but I want you to know; I understand. I know I can't be the only mother who at the end of the day wonders "Did I make a difference? Did I teach the children anything today? Did I learn something from the struggles of the day so that I can be a better mother tomorrow? Did I prioritize well? Was I present and available for my children? Was something important missed?  Did I listen to my husband when he came home or did I get lost in the chaos of the evening? Did we have family time? Did we do anything memorable? What did I even feed my kids today? Are they better off because they have me as their mother? Am I making the best choices for my family"?

I am sure to each mother I would measure differently on her measuring stick. Some would applaud my efforts and others would notice my failures. Some would see why I'm doing what I am doing and would praise me for it, others wouldn't understand and would think I am wasting my time; or even damaging my kids. Each one would have a different set of views and therefore different advice and council. There is no doubt if someone could shadow my day they would find their faults in my strengths. That's what we do as mothers. We look around at the mothers who go to work and still seem able to do everything, who get to stay home, who do crafts with their kids, who go to play dates, eat organic food, exercise, do free lance jobs, blog, start a business, decorate their house perfectly, keep their house immaculate, etc. Whatever current thing we are struggling with and we think "I should be able to do that."

I heard a person once say "stop 'shoulding' on yourself" it's messy, it's not attractive, it's not healthy and it's completely unnecessary. The times I am most successful as a mother are the times that I am noticing the good I do.  The times that I am staying close to the Lord and I quietly pray "Please Lord, tell me what I am doing RIGHT because I can no longer deal with hearing what I am doing wrong." I found out he is pretty eager to let us know. I also found out that maybe that's what my kids need sometimes too. To know what they are doing right, how they are progressing and learning. To recognize where they have come from and the accomplishments they have made.

By paying attention to what I need I'm better able to see their needs.  If I take the time for me and step out of my role as a mother for just a moment I'm better able to see my children as what they are; growing spirits, who have yearnings to learn and develop, to create, to prove themselves, to make a difference, to find their passion and their purpose. It's in those moments that the huge list of "should's" suddenly disappear and I'm left with just a few personal things for each of my children that their Father in Heaven wants them to know at this very moment. That list is manageable and that list is undoubtedly the most important things.

So throw away the measuring stick, get rid of your should's, stop checking facebook for more ideas on how to be a better mother, or pinterest for how to compete with the rest of the mothers and take some time to get on your knees and really listen. Your search will be over, no more researching necessary, no sorting through opinions and advice, no hurt feelings from someone misinterpreting your post on fb asking for advice, and nobody will steer you wrong because you will be listening to Him and He knows what needs to happen in your life.

Brotherly, Sisterly and Ancestorly love

Ancestorly might not exactly be a word but work with me here. :)

It dawned on me the other day just how loved my children are. I was at a family reunion for my husband's side of the family and I was watching people watch my kids and the other grandkids, nieces, nephews etc play. There were alot of people I knew from previous family gatherings but most of their names escape me, even so as I watched them watch my children I could see the joy in their faces as they saw them play. They asked us about our lives and listened attentively and it dawned on me..."These people actually love my kids." They may not see them alot and they may not have a deep relationship with them but still they love them. They hope for the best for them and are excited about their successes. It got me thinking about all the people on my husband's side of the family and on my side of the family that love my children. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of even those on the other side of the veil and their interest on our behalf and I realized we have no idea how many people are rooting for us right from the get go. There is so much excitement when another little one is born into this world. Everyone wants to know if the baby will be healthy, who the baby will look like and what personality traits him or her will have. It's funny how genes really play a role in our attributes from parents, to grandparents and aunts and uncles. Someone somewhere up the line can relate to how you feel, cause they got that gene too!

Years ago when I was pregnant with Jaidyn I felt the constant companionship of a loved one on the other side of the veil. I don't know her name but the name Beth always came to mind when I thought of her. I had always felt like she was probably an ancestor looking out for me but after that day at the family reunion I have no doubt she is one of my ancestors, for some reason I imagine from my dad's side. I was going through a rough time. Carl James was a little over 3 1/2 and the twins were a little over 2. Carl James was going through an emotional time and was being very defiant and the twins were into everything! Let's just say my patience was not what it should be but having Beth around saved me quite a few times. I vividly remember one time I was doing laundry and I heard commotion in the other room, I remember my blood was starting to boil and I was ready to go into the room yelling and impatient. It was as clear as day when I heard Beth say "Be nice." Those were the words but the emotion conveyed was much, much more. There was the love of a mother and grandmother in the room. I felt understanding from her about where I was coming from but also compassion for my tiny growing children. I felt patience emanating from her and I could almost feel her touch my arm gently as I went to go scold the children.

Sadly I didn't stay as calm as I had hoped but having that reminder and one that was filled with so much love made me see with different eyes. Instead of seeing what my children were doing I was able to see what my children needed. I was reminded how little they were and since her correction of my attitude came from a place of love and understanding I didn't beat myself up but instead just resolved to do better. I didn't waste any time wallowing in sadness I just decided they needed more, they needed better and I could do that. I felt her presence with me alot during those few months and I will forever be grateful to her gentle reminders and her constant companionship through such a rough time in my life and a time that my children needed her as well.

These experiences combined help me to see much more clearly how much love is out there in the world. We often feel alone and like we are navigating this life alone but we have no idea how many people are just waiting to be asked to help. We have no idea the people beyond the veil just wanting us to ask for their presence and their heavenly help. I imagine if I could see with clear eyes that my children are constantly surrounded by angels. My mother has a quote in her bedroom and it says "Legions of angels watch over the children of parents who pray." Legions, that's alot and I don't doubt it. That has always brought me much comfort. I never imagined growing up that those legions of angels are most likely my ancestors. There is a quote on facebook that I recently saw that is on "The Mankind Project" fb page it says "Suddenly all of my ancestors are behind me. 'Be still' they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands."  I felt that the other day as I sat in the park realizing how loved my children are. As I thought of the people before me I was overwhelmed with love and  it was that day that I realized how loved I am and how loved you are.

Never forget "you are the result of the love of thousands"

To just "Be"

Have you ever had a time in your life where you needed to "just be"? A time where no one demanded anything of you other than just being yourself. A time where it wasn't about what you could do for others as much as it was about who you are and wishing others just appreciated that as a gift. A time where you could be free of guilt for not adding more to your plate than you can handle. A time that was just about your growth and nothing else. A time where you could literally just be you and that would be enough.

We all had that time at least once in our lives. We came into this world as tiny infants not able to do anything for ourselves. We had nothing to contribute and you could easily say we weren't very useful but regardless we were loved beyond measure. Just our existence brought joy to others. Every tiny progression was celebrated. Even something as simple as our first smile. The first time we learned to show affection was cause to celebrate. We were appreciated, we were loved, we were accepted and we did NOTHING to earn it.

When did that change? When was it that we decided that we had to do something, volunteer for something, or have a certain talent to be loved and appreciated. When did we stop feeling like we bring joy to the world just by being ourselves? When did "being me" stop being enough? When did our tiny, tiny progressions stop meaning something and when did our small setbacks start meaning so much? When did we stop smiling just to make others smile back at us? When did we decide that the reflection in the mirror was anything short of miraculous?

I think a certain degree of selfishness is healthy. You can call it self preservation or self love if you like that term better but somewhere in the mix "self" has to matter. I think there is something to be said about just being you and the joy you bring to others by being yourself. I think as we come to be more true to ourselves our priorities are aligned alot better and we are drawn to do things where our talents and our passions are best put to use. There is a time and a season for all things. I think we often feel guilty taking time for ourselves for our own healing and self reflection and understanding. There are times when other things must take the back burner so that we aren't the thing on the back burner anymore. There is nothing wrong with just being you and taking a breather.

For each of us that will look different but the thing that will be the same is that something somewhere will have to go in order for you to find that balance and the time needed to rejuvinate and look inward. While you are there it is important to remember the little things. Know that others appreciate your company, your wisdom, your laughter and your presence and it's okay if that is all that you give for a while. Honestly I think we are drawn to give where we are most needed and useful. Try to tap into what you are drawn to and over time you will probably see a pattern. It's okay to not be interested in every volunteer/service opportunity out there. Be open to the possiblity that it's NOT where you are needed.

I get easily sucked into doing the good things that I think others think I should be doing. Then I can get resentful or worn out and my life at home suffers because I'm being pulled too many directions. I keep having to relearn that sometimes letting go and saying no are the hardest part. The Lord has his own expectations of me and where I should be spending my time and talents. If I get too wrapped up into what I think my spouse, my neighbor, my friends, my parents, siblings, inlaws etc want me to do then I lose who I am and I lose purpose. I have to get right with God and that is IT. I don't need to seek anyone else's approval because no one else's vision is as clear or wide as God's is. If I allow myself to ask God what he wants me to do and I trust that I can find so much more inner peace than trying to make everyone understand my choices.

I realized that by trying to help everyone understand my choices I am not helping them at all. Sometimes we as humans are judgemental of others circumstances and it doesnt matter what they say. We don't get it but over time God can teach us to be much more loving and accepting than we had previously been. So if I make a decision about my family and someone doesn't understand it and it causes them to see me in a negative light then God now has the opportunity to teach His child a higher way to see, to love and to accept but if I spend my time trying to cater my life and decisions to others views/opinions then God loses that opportunity to show His child another way of living or seeing through me.

So much of life is way more about us than it is about others. Even as a mother it's more about me than my kids. Most people will tell you they learned more from their kids than their parents. Kids have a way of really teaching us about ourselves, about life and if we are listening about God. So it's okay to "just be you" for a while. That's actually a pretty hard job in a world that is always throwing so many opinions and views your way.

Loving the present and looking forward to the future

It's a Sunday morning. We are all outside enjoying the cool weather after the rain last night. Carl is in the garage

making essential oil holders


and the kids are riding their bikes.

 

Even the dog is enjoying the weather and company.

Each of them has had a chance to help daddy sand in the garage. It's days like this where I think "Life is good." Even though last week our entire basement flooded and we sort of got our house put back together and then decided to still go on the camping trip we had planned for my husbands birthday and now we are living in total chaos. Not to mention my husband has gotten less hours at work and credit card bills have started to take their toll. Life is hard, life is busy but still life is good. We currently live in a state of chaos and a state of poverty (although I think that's using the term a bit too loosely) yet I still can't shake the feeling that one day it won't be like this and I will look back at our chaos and lack of resources and laugh and maybe cry at the way we had to do things. There is nothing hinting that things will get better. If life could be read like an 8 ball then it'd probably say "All signs point to NO" yet still I think we will get the house we want, the vacations we long for and the land we hope for our children to grow up on. It might take time but to be honest I'm enjoying this experience that I am having now, appreciating that one day it will be gone and hoping I can learn everything I need to from it.

Jaidyn playing in the sawdust left from Carl's project

Recently I have had the desire to be able to support my husband in his role as the financial provider in a different way than I have in a long time and see how I can help supplement his income. It's interesting thinking of going back to work or doing something to make money from home. Time has become even more valuable to me. The freedoms I enjoy as a stay at home mom are even more evident to me. I have always known that I "have it good" and that I am lucky to be able to be home with my kids but the idea of going back to work and having someone else tell me what to do with my time and when to be there is a really frustrating thought. I have gotten used to the fact that if I do not want to go somewhere at a particular moment in time most things I need/want to do can wait.  Sure there are some responsibilities like doctor's appointments (and we have a lot of those) and such but for the most part I am able to govern how I spend my time. That's a luxury! I don't mean to say that my children don't demand my instant attention it's just that I enjoy raising my children and so their interruptions don't bother me like a work schedule would. :)

Like the twins asking me to braid their hair and then take their picture. A happy "interruption" in my day.

I am determined to figure out how to help my husband make money from the skill set that he was blessed with. Too many mechanically inclined men are struggling to support their families and where would we be without their mindset and their skillset? I know that my life is much easier having a husband that can fix or rig things up for me. I have pretty much come to the conlclusion that if I need or want something my husband can figure out how to make it or rig it so that it fits my needs and my wants. Now that's a service that should be well compensated, don't ya think? Sadly it's not. To give you an idea of his talents here is a picture of a shed that he built.....

It isn't finished yet cause of lack of funds but it's amazing isn't it?! He can just figure this stuff out like it's no problem and when he has something he is struggling with he can always find someone who knows the answer. He is very friendly and very resourceful. I can't wait for the day that he can see his talents for what they truly are and that he can be compensated for using and developing them. This post is to remind me of that inner peace and determination that I had even before things were looking up! Here is to our future!

Learning the hard way and maternal instinct

I made a bad choice today. Sadly the older I get the more bad choices and mistakes it seems I make. They say "The more I learn the less I know" It's so true. The more I learn the more I realize how fallible I am. Today we went hiking with some ladies in the neighborhood. As we walked on the trail four ladies went ahead chasing after my twins, Jaidyn and the other little girl that was running ahead. As they tried to keep up with the kids ahead I stayed back with Carl James. He struggled to keep up with their pace and they were quickly far out of sight from us, which worried me with me not being able to see my twins and Jaidyn. So I tried to keep him moving without leaving him. We got a mile into the trail which took half an hour and ended up at a park. They wanted to go ahead and see if the trail continued past the big field of grass and up past the parking lot. My gut told me that I needed to turn around for Carl James but I followed them. It did not lead to a path. They wanted to walk down a road and then up a road to look for the path. I told them I needed to turn around. Four ladies kept walking ahead, 2 stayed back with me (one of them I gave a ride to). Things were fine for a while since Carl James got to rest while we chatted about what to do. Then we stopped for a snack and then we kept going. The 2 ladies that turned around with me started to walk ahead and my twins followed. Jaidyn was whining about her legs being tired at this point and I started to give her a piggy back ride (I am 19 weeks pregnant). I watched Carl James. His gait was getting more sloppy, his face was bright red, he was dripping sweat off of his forehead and he started to breathe more heavily. He needed a break but I wanted to catch up to the twins and I promised this lady I would have her home around 12:30 and she seemed anxious to get home.   

I should have slowed down. I should have called the ladies ahead and told them to send my twins back. I should have told the lady that I gave a ride that I needed to slow down dramatically but if she wanted to she could ride home with the other lady from out neighborhood. What I should have done was look out for my son and my family. The way I pushed him today was unacceptable. I thought my heart was breaking because they didn't understand and they weren't waiting, I thought my heart was breaking because I was realizing how much the world will pass him by and not wait, I thought my heart was breaking because I was being misunderstood and I felt torn between being with my twins and being with Carl James. That is all probably true but later today I realized my heart was breaking because I wasn't making the right choice and it hurts to make the wrong choice. Something inside of us knows when we are making the wrong choice and our conscience won't let us settle. My heart was breaking because my son needed me and I was failing to see his needs first. The lady I gave a ride could wait an extra half hour or ride with the other lady from our neighborhood. The twins could slow down, I could have chosen him first but instead I was worried about her feelings and my obligations.

I want to be strong enough to choose my family's needs first. I want to be wise enough to trust my maternal instinct and trust that my children need me first. I want to have a clear head when my child needs me and not an anxious jumbled mess. I used to be strong enough to assert my needs. One day that changed, one day I decided to listen to other people first, that my needs weren't that important. I don't know when I just know that there was a shift. Today was hard. I went home crying. Feeling misunderstood and frustrated. I went home sad that my child doesn't have the freedom of movement that I wish he had. I went home frustrated that I had to have such a craving for movement yet the Lord gave me a child that severely limits my ability to get out and move like I wish. But today was good because I realized....I didn't choose my family and it was a clear enough example to help me recognize it and to face that knowledge and to analyze my life. This must be a pattern for me (to worry more about the needs of others) and I must need to remedy it or I wouldn't have experienced what I did today.

I am sorry Carl James. I am sorry that I didn't slow down more for you. I am sorry that I let you suffer in silence because that is how you are. I am sorry that I didn't choose you. It wasn't a conscious effort; had I seen this clearly in the moment I would have chosen differently but you gave me the opportunity to see a flaw and a weakness I have and for that I am grateful. Thank you Carl James for teaching me today. All of you kids teach me everyday. Thank you Kylee for the hugs while I sat on the couch crying. 

I am going to do better by you guys. I am going to be strong enough to choose right for my family even when people don't understand. I am going to choose you. I am going to make a conscious effort to choose all of you. Another good thing that came of today is that I realized I might not be as horrible of a person as I thought. I know that I always push Carl James when we are hiking. I want to get further up the mountain and I want to not slow the twins down too much. So i push him even when i can see that he is tired but today I saw how much faster I COULD be going but I don't. It made me realize how much I do slow down for him. How much we do enjoy nature and the scenery. It made me realize that yes I push him but I also put his needs into consideration. I realized that I am better at showing him I love him than I thought. I might feel impatience inside but I fight it and I take the time to enjoy the scenery and usually we have a much better time doing so.

I love hiking far and exploring more but today I realized I love hiking with my family. I like the little groove we have going and it's okay that we stop and we explore the nooks and crannies and the bugs and enjoy the shade. Life is good. 

Tell them stories

I had a grandfather who was suffering with cancer when he made a trip from Texas to Utah. I noticed on this visit that something was different about him. Not only his physical appearance,  but he felt different as well. More peaceful, more calm, he felt good to be around. What I remember most about this visit was how his stories had changed. He had always been a story teller and I loved hearing his stories. He was lively and fun and I loved listening. This time his stories were every bit as interesting but they seemed to have more depth and he seemed to want to tell them. I say he was always a story teller but this time it was different. Something caught my attention and I suddenly wanted to know everything about his past, and about my family heritage. Had I known it was the last time I was going to see him I would have asked more questions and dug deeper into who he was and what he enjoyed. I will never forget that moment sitting at that table surrounded by my family, holding my infant son as he told us stories from the past. In that moment I felt more connected to my family than I ever had before. Something unified us.

My father got his father's love for story telling. When we were younger it was my favorite thing to sit around my dad as he would make up a story right there on the spot and tell it to us in all different voices or accents. If we were lucky he would use his preacher voice which always got us laughing. Story tellers are fun people but I have found something even more important about story telling. In that moment with my grandfather I noticed that I wanted to know a little bit about where I came from and who I am. Some of my favorite stories my dad told and the only ones I remember are the ones of his childhood. 

My parents have always been kind of private people. They didn't ever argue in front of us and they never complained of any financial struggles. Life was good as a kid but they also never told us about their struggles, about their triumphs and where they came from. I loved the moments they would tell us about how they met or some of their dating stories. I especially loved when they told us about the awkwardness as they got to know each other's families (the in laws). Like the time my mom didn't know the lid on the ranch bottle was just sitting on top and not screwed down. She was at a dinner at my dad's parents house and  shook the ranch bottle and got ranch everywhere! It showed me that it's okay to laugh at our mistakes. I also loved the stories my dad told about him getting in fights as a boy  or teen. It meant to me that we stand up for ourselves.

The stories I wish I knew more of maybe weren't meant for my childhood and maybe aren't gather around the table kind of stories but I long to know what it was really like growing up for them. What they struggled with, how they felt misunderstood, how they reacted to rejection or failure, the time they felt they had really achieved something meaningful, the moment or moments they decided to live for themselves and not the rest of the world. That's what I am longing for now but as I long for this it reminds me how important those stories were for me when growing up.

I needed to hear how my parents met to help me know of their love for each other, I needed to hear how my dad fought as a teen cause it helped me understand the anger inside myself, I needed to hear how my mother goofed up in front of new people and they still loved her, I needed to hear about my grandparents cause I never got the chance to know any of them the way I wished that I had. I knew my grandparents from my parents point of view. It was important that I knew where I came from.

So I'm reminded to tell my children stories. I am reminded that some of them should be funny, some should be tender, and some should be serious. I am reminded that my children's relationships with their uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents will help them understand themselves better. I am reminded that inside of family my children will find someone who can understand or relate to them and it's important to keep that line of communication open. So I tell my children stories. I tell them about how me and their father met, about when they were born and when they were little. I love and enjoy that my husband is a story teller and has such a great memory. I sit back and listen to him tell the kids stories that I may be hearing for the first time or for the dozenth time but I enjoy it nonetheless because as his story unravels I can see our family being tightly woven together. 

He tells the kids stories of when he put his little sister in the dryer and he can hardly breathe as he talks about how she went "thump, thump" as she tumbled inside. When the laughter is over he tells them it's not a safe thing. He tells about the time his sister and him were fighting and he suddenly got a sharp pain in his back and it was his little brother biting them to get them to stop fighting.  He tells stories of his father that passed and I do my best to piece together what type of man he was. As he and his family tell stories I get an insight into who they are, what it means to be an Eddy and I get to see how my dear husband grew up and why he thinks the way he thinks.

So tell your children stories. Tell them about moments, tell them about successes and failures, moments of triumph and defeat. Tell them about quirky and funny family members. How you met their father (or mother) and how they came into this world and you were so excited and nervous. It's okay for them to know that you were nervous. It helps them know that you knew and know parenting is a big and important job and they are important. Because they are important and so is telling stories... :)

There is humor and humility in imperfection

What does it mean to be perfect? Does it mean that we are never afraid? It seems only natural, only human to be afraid but fear cannot exist where faith is. So being afraid would mean that we lack perfect faith. Does it mean that we never feel sadness or sorrow, because then our joy would not be full. Does feeling sadness or sorrow mean that we are not being grateful? I have a hard time understanding perfection. Sometimes I try to think of what would create a perfect world then I think of the type of people we would need to create this perfect world. At times perfection seems a little boring. Don't we after all love many of our family members FOR their quirks and their imperfections?

For example, I have a friend who lacks tact and I find some of her bold conversations quite humorous, a brother who always jokes even when sometimes he shouldn't but there are certain things I tell him or certain ways I tell him things just to hear his remark or reaction, I have a father who gets angry when his children are mistreated and therefore he understands my frustrations when I feel my children are mistreated and so I share those moments with him.  I have a sister who is very dedicated to whatever she chooses and loves to plan ahead and expects things to go perfectly (or at least hopes) and so she understands when I get frustrated when things don't work out the way I want and when all of my dedication and hard work didn't pay off like I had hoped. I have another sister who often sees things as black and white and has many a time been upset when the world didn't fall into that category but because of that I know where I stand with her and more importantly I know where she stands and I respect her for that grounding.  I have a mother who is not easily offended and so she may not always be careful with her choice of words and sometimes offends others but it is her who teaches me  to give others the benefit of the doubt. Nothing is personal to her, she understands that people have their reasons and they very likely have nothing to do with her. I have a brother who often fails to plan and you can usually depend on being late but it is his spontaniety and his relaxed attitude that will allow him to totally be in the present with you when you are talking to him. Sometimes my husband rattles on and forgets to let people have a turn to talk but it can be so nice when I am feeling antisocial or less talkative and we have company over or we are at a social gathering. Even after 8 years of marriage he can still find a story from his childhood that he hasn't told me yet. He can make everything a story. Whereas in my mind the event would have been either unimportant or over in one sentence.  Sometimes I can be controlling, possessive or angry over my loved ones but it also means that I am protective, thougtful and that I care. 

When I look at the peopel I love I don't know if I have learned more from their strengths or their imperfections, but I do know that I learn from BOTH. So while I am busy messing up every day of the week and likely every day of the rest of my life just remember I am here to show you a different way and the benefits or consequences of that way. So if all you can do is be grateful that I am here to show you the way NOT to do it then be grateful for that. Everyone in our life crosses our path for a reason and if the only reason is to learn what you do not like or how a certain style doesnt work for you then that is okay. You are not meant to be deeply attached to every person in your life. Nor are you meant to adopt every one of their styles or habits but some people are here to show us the way. Some people reflect back to us our imperfections and instead of resenting them for that thank them and learn to improve. Your parents, siblings, spouse and children will most definitely uproot your most needed areas of improvement. What a wondeful gift, cherish it and be grateful that they are not perfect and forgive yourself for not being perfect. We have time to master perfection. Until then lets enjoy the humor and humility imperfection brings.

I am done

I am done. The house is a mess. There is laundry to fold. The kids are tired and whiney. I just got done volunteering at the daycare at a gym so that I can get free daycare when I go workout. The kids are hungry again even though we ate dinner before we went to the daycare. When we went to leave the daycare Jaidyn didn't want to leave and refused to put on her coat and shoes and suddenly thought she needed to wash her hands. When I wouldn't let her she then decided she needed to put on her shoes. I practically had to drag her to the car. I left the library books there since I was distracted fighting with her and I was almost home when I realized I didn't have them, so we drove back because I figured library books at a daycare with toddlers was probably a bad idea.

Now that we are home there are kids begging to sleep in my room, my son needs laxative and a diaper change but he is so tired he doesn't want to deal with it. I'm looking at the house thinking "Clean so I can have a fresh start tomorrow or go to sleep so I can wake up refreshed?" Decisions, decisions. I don't want to clean. I am done. At least until tomorrow. I will wake up again, start the day again. Kind of reminds me of the movie "Live, Die, Repeat." Pretty much sums up a mothers day, right? ;)

Yucky Mirrors

This morning as I was picking up the bathroom I happened to notice the current “yucky” state of my bathroom mirror. There were handprints from children and smears of toothpaste scattered all over the mirror. As I looked in the mirror I discovered how hard it was to actually see myself. I started to think of how I could use this as a lesson to teach my children. I called them in to show them the yucky state of the mirror and asked “Is it kind of hard to see yourself in this mirror when it’s all dirty like that?” They all agreed that it was. I told them to come back in a few minutes. I cleaned the mirror until it was sparkling and there was a perfect reflection of myself in it. I called the children back and first pointed out how well I could see all of their beautiful faces. I proceeded to tell them this….Sometimes in life we get like this mirror.  On the outside we still look clean but inside we feel dirty from mistakes we have made. As we look within ourselves we cant see past the dirty. All we see is the dirty and so we believe that, that is all we are. We carry that burden with us and forget how beautiful we really are underneath all of they yuck. But when we turn to our God and our Savior we can be wiped clean and then we can see ourselves for who we truly are. (I then went on to explain that, that is how baptism works) Thank goodness for a dirty mirror!

Bedtime Snuggles

I had a dream the other night. In my dream I was 17 years old again and all of my siblings were the age they were when I was 17. In my dream my mother had passed and I felt so angry at the world and even angry at her for leaving me. I am the oldest girl of 7 children and I felt the need to take on her role as nurturer. I worried..."What will I teach my younger sister about dating, my mom should be here to teach the one younger than her to shave her legs and how to handle her period, and my youngest sister has so much to learn about being a woman, I dont know how to be a woman!" I felt grief at the loss of my mother, my idol, and I felt overwhelmed and burdened by what I felt was now my responsibility.

When I awoke that morning my thoughts turned to my girls, ages 6, 6, and 2.  I have spent many days wondering what good I do being a stay at home mom. What part of the day really mattered and being overwhelmed by the mundane. As I awoke that morning though, something felt different. The smaller things were magnified for me. As I went throughout the day and as I have gone throughout the week I have been able to catch some of these moments in real time. I have been able to pinpoint some of them; things I was blind to before. 

Like this moment...I have the garbage bag in my hands ready to take it out and my son starts talking, he takes forever to form his thoughts into words and when he finally does he forgets crucial words or ideas even complete phrases so he hardly makes sense,  I am about to walk toward the door halfway through his sentence when I hear the word "stop" in my head, I stopped, I listened, I responded, we smiled. It got me thinking....how many times do I walk away while he is talking? I always let him finish but I am always ready to go out of the room as soon as that one thought is done. What am I home for? I call myself a stay at home mom, not a stay at home maid.  Unfortunately all of us have to clean at some point but not in such a rush or so engrossed that we totally miss out on the moments we stayed home for.

Tonight I got home from a busy night, my daughter was extra cuddly and as I went over the past few  days I realized she has been really cuddly for a few days. I realized she needed a moment to wind down and maybe cry a bit. So we cuddled and we talked and there were moments I thought she was going to cry all night but I felt like I needed to just listen and be on her timetable. Eventually she told me she wanted my husband and I to be safe (she was concerened for our safety). I remember feeling that as a child, "what if something happens to my mom or dad?" It was a legitimate concern for her and probably the first time she realized that we arent superhumans, we are vulnerable too. Had I just sent her to bed I would have missed the moment. 

After she shared with me the room felt different, we talked about a few things and I was able to express my love for her and my faith in her Heavenly Father who loves her. I could feel that I gained some of her trust tonight. That's a wonderful feeling. That was worth leaving picking up dishes from dinner for tommorow morning.  I might have missed the window had I waited.

Here she is sleeping next to me while I write

That's something I am going to work on being better at. Living in the present and detecting the more subtle  needs of my children. Noticing and taking advantage of those precious moments. 

And they heard the echoes of their mothers

I remember those time before I was a mother, and I would be out in public, and see a parent scolding or teaching their child, saying things like "You can't bite your sister, it hurts your sister when you bite her." and would think "I wonder if they know how stupid they sound? I am never going to say anything that dumb." Never say never. :)

Or as you were growing up and your mother would say something that seemed too unfair or too demanding and you thought "I won't be like that when I am a mom, when I am a mom I will be fair."

Then I became a parent "Dun, Dun, Dun!"....

I remember when my son was 3 years old he started to point and shake his finger when he was mad, like if I did something he didn't like then he would point and cry and say "NO!....NO!" I remember thinking "Where did he learn that? I don't do that; do I? I hated it when my parents did that. I told myself I would never do that." So I paid attention. Uh, yeah, I did that, and I did that a lot!

My mother told me about a time when I was four years old. I lined up all of my stuffed animals on my bed and proceeded to get them in trouble. She watched me from the hall and thought "Is that how I sound?" Twenty something years later I watched my 2 year old do the same thing and had the same thought.

Watching my children on the phone is the most comical thing ever. I am pretty sure I don't sound like that, unless I was pretending I was on the phone because a little one came up to me telling me her imaginary friend was on the phone. I guess that's what they copy, it's way more fun.

Kids are like a great big mirror where you can see all of yourself. The good, the bad, the ugly. The good news is my kids also mimic the good things I do, like the way I say "Awww! You look beautiful" when I see my two year old changed dresses for the third time and has come up to show me. They mimic the way I bandage an owie, or the way I comfort a sad child. My girls mimic the way I do my hair or the way I get dressed. My son repeats almost everything I say, with NO filter, not realizing that not everything in our home needs to be publicized. He even goes as far as to lecture his dad if his dad is not doing things the way my son is used to seeing them done.

Children teach us to look inward, to readjust and even at times they teach us that everything is okay just the way it is. Yesterday I had my  hair up half way as I was straightening the bottom layers, my two year old daughter said "Mommy I like your hair." I told her thank you.

As I hear my mother in my voice and my words and as I hear my children repeating my words, my significance in this world is much clearer. The significance of mothers is much clearer. I made the accidental mistake of telling my husband I looked (or felt) fat in front of my 5 year old daughter and I heard her blurt out "You are not fat!" as she touched my stomach as if to soothe the wound I just gave it. Having 3 daughters I felt it was very important to be careful what I said about my body in front of them and to exclude any negative talk about my body at all, I want them to have healthy body images. As you can see I am still working on it. :)

As the echoes of my parents ring in my head, I am reverenced for the small, daily things of this world. The power of words, and the power of actions. I hope that my intentions will come through in my echoes but that's quite a risk to take, and so I change, I adjust, I explain and I ask forgiveness, every day and I will continue to do so.  So that my echo may be an echo for good, just as with the stripling warriors....Alma 56:46-48

Fyi...It turns out that I am just as "stupid" as the stranger out in public teaching her child and I am just as "unfair and demanding" as my mother. I choose to allow myself to say the "stupid" (or obvious) things to my two year old because they are not obvious to her and I choose to be what seems unfair or demanding to my children, all for my children's sake.

Struggles

From the moment I entered motherhood I was ecstatic! I had waited so long to be a mother,  (at least it seemed like it to me-I become a mother just a few short days before I turned 20, so it wasn't really that long of a wait), dreaming of it as a 10 year old little girl, what would it be like? As all mothers soon find out motherhood is full of joy but not without sorrow. Some struggles may be less visible than mine; my first born being born with Spina Bifida, but still struggles nonetheless. My sisters sons struggles with allergies, my friends children struggle with asthma and every cold turning into bronchitis or pneumonia, another friend struggles with gestational diabetes and extreme fatigue while pregnant and still caring for her other children. Amongst the struggles there are moments of peace, joy and tranquility. This is what I write about today.

It was almost 6 years ago, I sat at the couch journaling, writing down my worries, fears, concerns, inadequacies, when one of my twins (5 months old at the time) started to stir in her crib. Her stirring turned into a full out cry and I knew my moment of peace had ended. I wrote this poem after a precious moment with my daughter.....

                                                                 Illuminating Purity

Lounging trying to unravel
weeks, months, and years of heartache and confusion.
Two years full of constant needs,
Worried I will lose all of myself.
The baby cries out, yet another call.
One after the other, never stopping.
I cradle her up, the crying immediately ceases.
All her worries vanish in a moment.

I pick myself up pushing aside my journal.
Once again burying life's questions deeper.
My darling daughter wraps her hand around my finger.
She looks deep into my eyes, I am her idol.
Me; the one with all the questions.

Binky in mouth, she smiles up at me.
Illuminating purity, simple yet joyous.
Untainted by the pollution of the world.
Unaffected by the cruelty of mankind.
Loving my every feature, unaware of my every flaw.

Life's questions still unanswered.
Confusion is sure to stay
Even so the picture turns so clear.
The path feels so simple, too short.
Too short to soak up all her childhood.
Too short to savor each moment.
For now all my worries vanish.
This moment is all my own.

By-Megan Eddy

There are so many sparks of joy in life. Don't let the worries of some imagined fate let you miss out on your children and the light they bring into a darkening world.