Fitness Technology

As technology advances we have seen many changes in different industries. Fitness has also seen a change and many improvements with the advancement of technology. We can check our heart rate, map out our runs, keep track of our fitness endeavors, find workouts with the click of a mouse and even our video game systems have found a way to help us with our fitness endeavors. These games referred to as AVG (active video games) are helping kids who normally may not be considered active become more active rather than just playing sedentary games. They help children who may not be as coordinated as their peers find the confidence to try in a safe environment, at home. I hadn't thought about that before. That children may indeed be afraid to play on the playground with their peers because they have not had the experience practicing being active. While I do not advocate these systems as a sole means of exercise and play for children I can see the benefits that they may have. 

First off, the fact is...Kids these day are going to have some amount of screen time. Why not use that screen time for something beneficial, like being active? Secondly, since children and teens are familiar and comfortable with technology why not use that familiarity to get them used to something that may not be as familiar or comfortable? If you want to get a person to develop healthy habits there needs to be some intrinsic motivation. If the child likes the active video games, he or she is much more likely to adapt a positive connection to exercise and will be more willing to venture out to other methods in the future.  Last but not least, they are interesting. Children love all the bells and whistles that technology brings. It's a great way to get the children engaged and interested in being more active.  

Remember that one of the most important thing in getting a child to create an active lifestyle is that they have a positive experience when it comes to physical activity. Fitness technology is just one way of trying to achieve that outcome.

Goal setting for 2016

With only two more days left of 2015 I can't help but look forward to the upcoming year with enthusiasm and more gusto. I have always been one to set goals and so this time of year is such a fun time for me. Being able to see everyone starting to make their resolutions and getting all fired up! The last couple of years though I feel like I have gotten more lax in my goal setting. This year...I want it to be different. I want to be very thoughtful of what goals I am setting and in getting specific with my goals. Which reminds me of a great system I learned about for setting goals. It's called being a S.M.A.R.T. goal setter.....

Specific: So let's say I have a goal of being a "better homeschooling mom" or "exercising more". At the end of the year how will I know that I achieved my goal? That's why it's necessary to be specific. Also if I set a goal that I'm not passionate about then I will be less likely to be committed to that goal. Hence it being so important that I find my why when setting my goal. We will use my "exercise more" goal as an example. In order to be specific in my goal I could say I want to exercise 4x a week for 30 minutes. That's a great start. I could even be more specific my noting the days of the week I want to exercise and if I want even the time of day (but don't get too hung up on details that you set yourself up for failure). 

Meaningful: As far as the why this goal is important to me? Well I want to be healthy and be able to be an active individual and an involved mom but this year it goes even more detailed than that. I love aerial silks and pole fitness and I want to be able to progress in my love of silks and pole fitness so exercising more is meaningful to me because it means I am progressing in a passion of mine. 

Action Oriented:  If my goal is to exercise 4x a week for 30 minutes and I want to be improving in aerial silks and pole fitness while doing so then I need to take some steps to ensure that the type of exercise I will be doing will help me improve in those areas. So I can set a day to do pole fitness and get specific on what types of moves I want to learn or how I want to improve, I can set a day to work on my flexibility so that I can bend and do some of the pole or silks moves, I can set a day to work on strength training and targeting certain muscles I know I need to work on for certain pole or silks moves I am learning, and lastly I can set a day to do aerial silks, working on the specifics of how I want to improve there. 

Realistic: How do you know your goal is realistic? For starters look at your track record and your time allotted each day to see if you have the time and resources to accomplish your goal. If it turns out that you decide maybe your goal is asking too much of you right off the bat, back up a bit. Maybe you start by exercising 2x a week for 15 minutes a day for a month. Then once you have accomplished that you can lengthen the time or exercise more frequently. The trick here is to have little successes  along the way. While goals are intended to push you and help you improve, they are not meant to test you. Give yourself some breathing room and celebrate the small successes!

Timely(Time-Bound): Some goals have a definitive end such as "Become certified as a group fitness instructor" others are more of a lifetime development.  At the end of 2016 if I exercised 4x a week for 30 minutes a day then my goal would be met but that's a long time waiting. That's why I recommend with lifetime goals  that you do it in baby steps. With this particular goal you could start slow by only working out 1x a week or you could start by focusing on "drinking more water" for the first month and then  adding a workout day.  The point is to just keep moving!

I hope this helps you have a more organized way of setting and achieving goals. Happy New Year!

Here's to a wonderful and meaningful 2016!

Dear New Mom

I recently had a baby, my fifth baby, and I have been enjoying every minute of it! I remembered though it wasn't always like that and it's that memory that inspired me to write this post.

Our newest addition. Baby #5!

Dear New Mom,

First off I want to say that you are going to do great. The more you worry about how you are doing, especially if you are comparing yourself to others, the less you will be able to hear your own voice and listen to your own intuition about your child. You will also miss out on some of the joy that your little bundle will bring. My aunt gave me some great advice before I got married, that I think is applicable here. She said "Don't judge the quality of your relationship by anyone else or anyone else's relationship. You guys will have your own balance which you will find the longer you're together. Enjoy the differences in each other. It will make your relationship very unique." You will parent and nurture differently than anyone else you know, even different from your own mother and your style of parenting will be exactly what your child needs to grow and learn. Trust your own intuition and trust the times you need to stand your ground as well as the times you need to make changes and allow shifts to happen.

The next thing I want to say is...let him/her be little. There are so many exciting things to look forward to. The first cry, the first time you hold him/her in your arms, the first coo, the first smile etc. There are also things we look forward to for our own conveniences such as "I can't wait until he can hold his head up, hold his own bottle, sit up on his own, crawl, feed himself, walk" etc. Oh but the moments between are so precious. If you skipped to all of the milestones with nothing in between it would be like having christmas one day, then waiting another and having christmas again. There is no build up, no waiting, no longing, no excitement, no planning. It would be a tragedy if our children grew up in the blink of an eye.

Enjoy those sleepy moments, cuddle with the baby, sleep with the baby, savor the moments that you have the privilege of stopping everything you are doing and feed that baby. Before you know it that baby will be more independent than you would like and you will look back on those sweet baby pictures and think "why did I wish those moments away?"

My sweet bay is already smiling and laughing and

 it sees like he was born just yesterday



I can attest to this in a very deep and painful way. My first born was born with spina bifida. A congenital birth defect where the spinal cord is exposed in the womb and needs to be closed at birth. This affects his nerves and therefore affects his sensations and movements. Because of where his lesion is (the opening of the spine) the doctors weren't quite sure exactly what his lifestyle would be. While they can never tell you exactly how spina bifida will affect a child's lifestyle it was my understanding that where his lesion is, it has even a wider range of symptoms than other places a lesion could be. I was told he could be fine with no symptoms or he could be wheelchair bound, although they were pretty sure it would affect his walking, bowel and bladder at least.

I watched for every milestone like a hawk. I gave him plenty of tummy time so he could learn to roll over. We did therapy at 8 months to help him learn to sit up better. We did therapy at 15 months to get him to stand without holding onto something. When he was two I would take him out on dollar night to a local pool that had shallow water and let him practice walking in the water. At this point he couldn't walk without a walker and the water buoyed him up so he could walk.

Him at around 2 years old, using his walker.

One day a friend of mine met me at the pool with her little boy that was my son's age. We traded boys for a moment and I scooped her son up in my arms and took him straight to the deep end where I spun him in circles while dipping his feet in and out of the water. We both laughed and giggled. For a moment I had the thought "This is fun. I wish my son wasn't disabled."

Then it hit me. I had brought my son to this pool maybe 4x that season and not once had I taken him to the deep end and spun him around in a circle while lifting him up and down and dipping his feet in the water. I immediately went and grabbed my son and spun him around in the deep end. I learned an important lesson that day about not being so busy looking ahead that you miss the joy in the present. I learned that my son needed me to enjoy him right now, just the way he is. I learned that I needed that moment just as much as my son, if not more. I realized that by enjoying my son the burdens of his disability felt lighter.

So I encourage you, to do your best, to love every moment and to do all that you can to make hard things fun. I encourage you to definitely work in the shallow end. That's our job as a mom but don't neglect the fun adventures in the deep end.

My two year old I went swimming with is now 8
and as handsome as ever. Time flies!

Keep them writing.

I remember as a young child my mother would say "Okay kids, it's time to get our your journals!" I was homeschooled for most of my elementary years and as part of our schooling she felt it was important that we journal. I remember moaning and groaning that she was making us write again! After all what interesting things could I say day after day? Well I kept those journals and while not every entry is interesting I am amazed at how many of them are! It turns out that the most interesting things I have written were the things that at the time I found the most boring.

Some days my journal started out like this...."Mom is making me journal. I don't know what to write about....Oh, hold on, I'll be right back...Okay I am back. Jamie pushed the nipple inside her bottle again and I had to go and push it back out cause she was crying. She does this all the time. She will push the nipple in and then cry that she can't drink her milk. So you have to go and push the nipple back out and then she will push it back in again and cry." Another day "My sister gets upset when any of us fight. If she thinks we are fighting she will sit on one of us and pin us down and then run her hands down one of our faces and say in a calming tone 'complicate, complicate'. She thinks it means to calm down"

The every day, in and out mundane things are the funnest to look back on. The funny quirks about a family member. The milestones of a younger sibling. The quarrels that always went on in the house. The funny stories my dad would tell in what we called his "preacher voice". The sayings my mom would say or the songs she would wake us up with. All of those things seemed like things I would never forget. For example, when I was 13 one of my friends slept over at my house and we stayed up until like midnight or 2 a.m. My mom being her cheerful self woke up the whole house yelling "It's 9 o'clock and all is well!!" My friend sat up with her hair in a mess and her eyes tired and puffy and said in a tired confused voice "Why is your Mom singing about whales?" Just one of many funny moments caputured in a joural that otherwise may have been lost to memory. 

I am so grateful to a mother who taught me the power of the written word and encouraged me to journal even if I fought her on it. I now have journals I can read to my kids. It has also encouraged me to start a journal for each of my kids. That has been a very fun and rewarding endeavor. Although my children are young I encourage them to journal as well. Sometimes I help them by writing things down for them, other times I have them draw a picture. They each have their own journal to write in themselves and sometimes I let them add to their journals that I write in for them. If it's not obvious; in time, I learned to lvoe to write. I eventually started writing poetry and even journaled for fun! 

So moms...Keep them writing! Give your children a safe place to express themselves. Give them the freedom to write about what they want and listen when they want to read what they wrote. It might be  the only insight you get inside their little heads. Who knows, maybe one day they won't be able to get enough of writing and they will have you to thank for it! 

Thanks Mom! 

It's all about me, yet it's not about me.

It seems as if things in life come in waves. Whenever trials come they never seem to come one at a time. They come rushing in like waves. Recently my husband and I have had some struggles come our way and it seems they just keep coming. Not all things are struggles, some are blessings; such as having a baby, but still needs some adjusting and kinking. I guess that's a better way to explain most of our current struggles. We as a couple are changing and shifting and figuring out the kinks. Not long after this shifting started occurring he also lost his job. So he has been home more. Which has given us added time to evaluate our life, our current circumstances and work on our relationship as well as his business that he is starting. All of this extra time and TLC that has been needed to put into our relatonship as a couple, and in myself as a person, has left me feeling guilty on the time missed with the kids.

In some ways we are more attentive and more patient with our children since our individual needs are finally being met; but in other ways the kids have seemed to fend for themselves, as Carl and I have been discussing, repairing or building things. I have asked myself if I am being selfish or if this is a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation. I sincerely feel that the shifts that Carl and I have been going through both mentally and relationally have been for the best benefit and welfare for not only Carl and I but for our children as well. I was reminded of that today when Carl and I were working on building his website for his business and Morgan came up to us asking if she could do crafts. I so did not want to have a mess but I knew that the kids could really use the feeling of satisfaction that you get from creating something.

So together Carl and I decided that it would be okay for them to open up one of their Christmas gifts, which is a box full of random craft items.

Seeing how happy they were to be creating and to have that freedom without me hovering over them made me realize maybe I shouldn't feel so guilty that some things are sliding right now.  As you know I homeschool and with all that is going on it has taken somewhat of a back seat. I was reminded today that it's okay to need some "me" time and that homeschoolingis not about me, my skills, or my lack of skills. It's totally about the children. Learning is built into life, I don't know why I can experience that myself  yet fail to see that for my kids.

I'm grateful for being reminded that learning is a natural process and that in this moment of healing where I feel like "It's all about me" (or I need to focus on me) I am also ironically learning that when it comes to homeschooling "it's not about me at all". It's not about me looking good, being an amazing mom, or me trumping anyone else. It's also not about my shortcomings, lack of organization or my shortsightedness. The kids are fine. They are looked out for and I am guided in where I need to change and adjust. It's all good. :)

Boys and their scrapes

Yesterday I was helping Carl James with some of his medical needs. As I was helping him I happened to look down at his leg and I saw this fresh oozing wound. My stomach turned. It's on his leg that he doesn't feel very well (his left) and doesn't have much circulation in. Because of the lack of sensation and circulation, his body has a very difficult time healing wounds on that leg and especially foot. We have had a problem with sores on his left foot not healing and causing us to eventually have to amputate his left pinky toe (after 4 years of bandaging and babying it) so seeing a fresh sore on his leg isn't a "no big deal" type of thing. The wheels in my head started to turn "Is it from his braces? Maybe it's from his shoes that he wears without braces. What are we going to do? How can I protect it? Will bandages make it better or will it make it rub worse? Why is it wet and oozing? How bad is this gonna get? Should I call wound care? I hate that this happens to him so easily. Why does he have to have this trial? He can't go without shoes.

That will cause the underside of his toe to rip open again and we will be that much closer to amputating another toe. But he can't wear shoes rubbing that thing! Ahh!"

In the pictures it doesn't quite show the redness or the wet oozing but you get an idea

All of this went through my head in a matter of seconds. My heart started racing. The guilt was setting in of not checking his skin more regularly like the doctors had told me to do. Then my thoughts were interrupted with him saying "It's probably from me sliding down the stairs on my knees without shoes." My mind was brought back to all of the times I had heard the "thud, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, thud" down the stairs the past few days. All of my thoughts and my mood immediately changed. I thought "Oh so this sore is from my son who is disabled being an active and healthy boy?!" Suddenly I felt excitement, joy and I admit a little bit of pride. We still had the matter to deal with of how to tackle this new sore but I was so happy to hear that it wasn't from bracing or shoe issues. It wasn't from something that festered over weeks without me noticing. It was from my son being a boy!

While I am concerned about the overall outcome of this new sore, I am grateful that my son can move around and explore and still enjoy some boy like activities! One thing he has taught me though is that pain is a good thing! Had he had normal sensation he would have stopped sliding down the stairs before it got to this point. Since then I have banaged the toe and used both medihoney and complete tissue and bone on it and the redness has gone down, and shrunk in diameter. My friend who is a nurse gave me the genius idea of drawing around the edges of the red to see if it goes outside the lines in the morning. Luckily it shrunk!

This is a picture after I put the medihoney on it.

I guess time will tell how the wound turns out but so far I am pretty pleased with the progress. 

On being open

There are times in life when we will be challenged, times when our hearts will be broken and we fear that we are past the point of mending. There may come a time when a loved one is struck ill, you experience health issues yourself, you are hit with a loss, or someone you love is choosing a life below their potential and risking their own happiness, or perhaps you are doing this. There may also be times when you feel that your goodness has been taken advantage of, you have been deeply hurt and you want to close up for fear of being hurt again. Each of these times are moments of grief but also moments for potential growth. It is during these times that we find and define our values. That we find the strength from within and the resolve to move forward. It is during these times that we must remain the most open and fight the urge to close up and shrink. Let me illustrate my thoughts through a story I came across. There is an ancient Indian tale that goes like this....

Ancient Indian Tale-
An old Hindu master was fed up with the continual complaints and grumbles of his apprentice. So one day he asked the young man to fetch him a cup of water and a bowl of salt. When the young man returned, the master said “Now put a handful of salt in the water.:” The apprentice did so. The master then swirled the water around in the cup until all the salt had dissolved. “Now taste it” he said to the apprentice. The apprentice took a sip and screwed up his face in disgust.
"How does it taste?" the master asked.
"Horrible," said the apprentice.
The master chuckled “Yes, very unpleasant” he said. Now follow me. They walked down to the edge of a nearby lake and the master said “Now dip a handful of salt into the lake.” The apprentice did so. The master said “Now taste the water from the lake.” The apprentice drank from the lake and this time he smiled. “Not so hard to swallow, eh?” said the master. “This salt is like the inevitable pain of life, in both cases the amount of salt is the same but the smaller the container, the greater the bitterness. So when life gives us pain instead of closing in around it like this cup, we would do better to enlarge and open, like the lake.”

There will be times in life that you find yourself hurt and vulnerable. Natural human tendency will be to close up out of fear and self preservation. There are times that this is both healthy and necessary but there are also times that we need to find within ourselves the space to forgive and the space to be open to a person who is trying to change. I hope in those moments where your faith in humanity is tested that you will find it within yourself to open up and trust just a bit longer. To learn the important lessons of humility, patience, perseverance, acceptance, compassion, but also balance. To learn to stand up for yourself respectfully, to learn that your needs matter, that you matter, and that's its okay to expect others to treat you not only respectfully but compassionately. Especially as you do so to them. 

There may be times that someone you love is unwilling to change and staying with them will only bring more hurt. If you are prayerful you will know when this time is and instead of having the strength to stay you will have the strength to leave and within that strength you will find righteous indignation. While righteous indignation will have a sense of anger and injustice it is so much more than that. That anger and injustice will be less directed at the person and more directed at their choices instead. On http://www.gotquestions.org/ it says "We can know for sure that our anger or indignation is righteous when it is directed toward what angers God Himself. Righteous anger and indignation are justly expressed when we are confronted with sin. Good examples would be anger toward child abuse, pornography, racism, homosexual activity, abortion, and the like." But there are even more subtle sins than the ones mentioned above. Such as sins of ommission, that can hurt deeply as well. 

Not all pain will be infilicted by others choices but those ones are the ones that tend to make us close up. I picture people in these moments as a rose bud closed up trying to shield itself from the climate. At times this shielding is necessary for self preservation but when the sun comes out (and for us as humans sometimes before) it is time to open up, bloom and give beauty and color to the world around you. You do have something beautiful and amazing inside and those around you will miss out on that beauty and splendor if you continue to stay closed up. Especially if you have children. Dare to believe again, be like the lake that opens up despite the bitterness and you will find in time you have much to offer. 

Fighting for the good

It's hard to explain and even identify how growing up in the gospel blesses your life but this morning as I was contemplating I realized a few things. Being good is hard! Being a good person requires effort and work! Choosing right and avoiding temptation takes practice. It requires working and building mental, emotional and spiritual muscles. It requires being open and honest with yourself and in your interactions. It requires looking within and reevaluating current mindsets and perceptions. It's active work! It takes time and wisdom to differentiate the good from the bad and especially the good from the great, (or the good from the better.). There is a quote by a cherokee indian that goes like this....

"One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

I have thought about that a lot lately and how I have been feeding the wrong one. I examined the TV shows I was watching, the way I was disciplining my children and the way I was responding to my husband. I thought about how I was complaining about the trials that have come my way and I asked myself, "which wolf have I been feeding?" It was easy to see that in many ways I was feeding the evil wolf and at the same time neglecting to feed the good wolf. I recognized that in this world it is so easy to feed the wrong wolf and therefore absolutely crucial to consciously feed the good wolf. So I have been consciously reading my scriptures and searching for truth, reading good books, listening to good music and overflowing my mind with more positive and effective thoughts and thought patterns.

This morning as I was pondering I thought of the moments I had as a child to choose which wolf to feed, and the moments I was tempted to choose wrong, it was in those moments that I grew my spiritual muscles. It was those moments that make what seems to easy today be so easy, when in fact I have just had practice that others may not have had the privilege to have. As a child and youth reared in the gospel I was keenly aware of temptations and certain pitfalls that others who were not raised in the gospel may not have seen the warning signs. It made me resolve to be less judgmental of those who struggle with things that I do not struggle with. I am so grateful to my earthly parents and my Heavenly parents who taught me at a young age and saved me from the many pitfalls and heartache that I could have encountered. I am sure I have been blessed way beyond my own recognition!

Measuring Stick

Dinner is over, the kids scramble off to get ready for bed and I'm left with putting the left overs away and washing the dishes. As I wash the dishes I'm recounting the day. What was good about it, what went wrong, what could have gone better, what was done, what was left undone, etc. I said to my  husband "You know what stinks about being a mom? Well I guess you could say it's good depending on how you look at it but there is no measuring stick to see how you are doing. At the end of the day I can't just look at this measuring stick and see that I didn't quite make it to the top but with a few changes I could make it there, or I could see that it was a good successful day, or I could see that I was totally failing, even better I could see that I was going above and beyond. There is no such thing though.

I struggle to fall asleep as I lay in bed wondering if I did everything right and what I could change to make the rest of the days better. I'm wondering if my time was spent in the best place possible with the child who needs it most. I'm left wondering if I met all of their needs or if something in their tiny hearts went unseen. I feel guilt over the moments of impatience and worry what I might mess up tomorrow cause as much as I might promise myself I'll never get impatient or cross with them again, I know I will.

I say this not to evoke sympathy but I want you to know; I understand. I know I can't be the only mother who at the end of the day wonders "Did I make a difference? Did I teach the children anything today? Did I learn something from the struggles of the day so that I can be a better mother tomorrow? Did I prioritize well? Was I present and available for my children? Was something important missed?  Did I listen to my husband when he came home or did I get lost in the chaos of the evening? Did we have family time? Did we do anything memorable? What did I even feed my kids today? Are they better off because they have me as their mother? Am I making the best choices for my family"?

I am sure to each mother I would measure differently on her measuring stick. Some would applaud my efforts and others would notice my failures. Some would see why I'm doing what I am doing and would praise me for it, others wouldn't understand and would think I am wasting my time; or even damaging my kids. Each one would have a different set of views and therefore different advice and council. There is no doubt if someone could shadow my day they would find their faults in my strengths. That's what we do as mothers. We look around at the mothers who go to work and still seem able to do everything, who get to stay home, who do crafts with their kids, who go to play dates, eat organic food, exercise, do free lance jobs, blog, start a business, decorate their house perfectly, keep their house immaculate, etc. Whatever current thing we are struggling with and we think "I should be able to do that."

I heard a person once say "stop 'shoulding' on yourself" it's messy, it's not attractive, it's not healthy and it's completely unnecessary. The times I am most successful as a mother are the times that I am noticing the good I do.  The times that I am staying close to the Lord and I quietly pray "Please Lord, tell me what I am doing RIGHT because I can no longer deal with hearing what I am doing wrong." I found out he is pretty eager to let us know. I also found out that maybe that's what my kids need sometimes too. To know what they are doing right, how they are progressing and learning. To recognize where they have come from and the accomplishments they have made.

By paying attention to what I need I'm better able to see their needs.  If I take the time for me and step out of my role as a mother for just a moment I'm better able to see my children as what they are; growing spirits, who have yearnings to learn and develop, to create, to prove themselves, to make a difference, to find their passion and their purpose. It's in those moments that the huge list of "should's" suddenly disappear and I'm left with just a few personal things for each of my children that their Father in Heaven wants them to know at this very moment. That list is manageable and that list is undoubtedly the most important things.

So throw away the measuring stick, get rid of your should's, stop checking facebook for more ideas on how to be a better mother, or pinterest for how to compete with the rest of the mothers and take some time to get on your knees and really listen. Your search will be over, no more researching necessary, no sorting through opinions and advice, no hurt feelings from someone misinterpreting your post on fb asking for advice, and nobody will steer you wrong because you will be listening to Him and He knows what needs to happen in your life.

Brotherly, Sisterly and Ancestorly love

Ancestorly might not exactly be a word but work with me here. :)

It dawned on me the other day just how loved my children are. I was at a family reunion for my husband's side of the family and I was watching people watch my kids and the other grandkids, nieces, nephews etc play. There were alot of people I knew from previous family gatherings but most of their names escape me, even so as I watched them watch my children I could see the joy in their faces as they saw them play. They asked us about our lives and listened attentively and it dawned on me..."These people actually love my kids." They may not see them alot and they may not have a deep relationship with them but still they love them. They hope for the best for them and are excited about their successes. It got me thinking about all the people on my husband's side of the family and on my side of the family that love my children. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of even those on the other side of the veil and their interest on our behalf and I realized we have no idea how many people are rooting for us right from the get go. There is so much excitement when another little one is born into this world. Everyone wants to know if the baby will be healthy, who the baby will look like and what personality traits him or her will have. It's funny how genes really play a role in our attributes from parents, to grandparents and aunts and uncles. Someone somewhere up the line can relate to how you feel, cause they got that gene too!

Years ago when I was pregnant with Jaidyn I felt the constant companionship of a loved one on the other side of the veil. I don't know her name but the name Beth always came to mind when I thought of her. I had always felt like she was probably an ancestor looking out for me but after that day at the family reunion I have no doubt she is one of my ancestors, for some reason I imagine from my dad's side. I was going through a rough time. Carl James was a little over 3 1/2 and the twins were a little over 2. Carl James was going through an emotional time and was being very defiant and the twins were into everything! Let's just say my patience was not what it should be but having Beth around saved me quite a few times. I vividly remember one time I was doing laundry and I heard commotion in the other room, I remember my blood was starting to boil and I was ready to go into the room yelling and impatient. It was as clear as day when I heard Beth say "Be nice." Those were the words but the emotion conveyed was much, much more. There was the love of a mother and grandmother in the room. I felt understanding from her about where I was coming from but also compassion for my tiny growing children. I felt patience emanating from her and I could almost feel her touch my arm gently as I went to go scold the children.

Sadly I didn't stay as calm as I had hoped but having that reminder and one that was filled with so much love made me see with different eyes. Instead of seeing what my children were doing I was able to see what my children needed. I was reminded how little they were and since her correction of my attitude came from a place of love and understanding I didn't beat myself up but instead just resolved to do better. I didn't waste any time wallowing in sadness I just decided they needed more, they needed better and I could do that. I felt her presence with me alot during those few months and I will forever be grateful to her gentle reminders and her constant companionship through such a rough time in my life and a time that my children needed her as well.

These experiences combined help me to see much more clearly how much love is out there in the world. We often feel alone and like we are navigating this life alone but we have no idea how many people are just waiting to be asked to help. We have no idea the people beyond the veil just wanting us to ask for their presence and their heavenly help. I imagine if I could see with clear eyes that my children are constantly surrounded by angels. My mother has a quote in her bedroom and it says "Legions of angels watch over the children of parents who pray." Legions, that's alot and I don't doubt it. That has always brought me much comfort. I never imagined growing up that those legions of angels are most likely my ancestors. There is a quote on facebook that I recently saw that is on "The Mankind Project" fb page it says "Suddenly all of my ancestors are behind me. 'Be still' they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands."  I felt that the other day as I sat in the park realizing how loved my children are. As I thought of the people before me I was overwhelmed with love and  it was that day that I realized how loved I am and how loved you are.

Never forget "you are the result of the love of thousands"

To just "Be"

Have you ever had a time in your life where you needed to "just be"? A time where no one demanded anything of you other than just being yourself. A time where it wasn't about what you could do for others as much as it was about who you are and wishing others just appreciated that as a gift. A time where you could be free of guilt for not adding more to your plate than you can handle. A time that was just about your growth and nothing else. A time where you could literally just be you and that would be enough.

We all had that time at least once in our lives. We came into this world as tiny infants not able to do anything for ourselves. We had nothing to contribute and you could easily say we weren't very useful but regardless we were loved beyond measure. Just our existence brought joy to others. Every tiny progression was celebrated. Even something as simple as our first smile. The first time we learned to show affection was cause to celebrate. We were appreciated, we were loved, we were accepted and we did NOTHING to earn it.

When did that change? When was it that we decided that we had to do something, volunteer for something, or have a certain talent to be loved and appreciated. When did we stop feeling like we bring joy to the world just by being ourselves? When did "being me" stop being enough? When did our tiny, tiny progressions stop meaning something and when did our small setbacks start meaning so much? When did we stop smiling just to make others smile back at us? When did we decide that the reflection in the mirror was anything short of miraculous?

I think a certain degree of selfishness is healthy. You can call it self preservation or self love if you like that term better but somewhere in the mix "self" has to matter. I think there is something to be said about just being you and the joy you bring to others by being yourself. I think as we come to be more true to ourselves our priorities are aligned alot better and we are drawn to do things where our talents and our passions are best put to use. There is a time and a season for all things. I think we often feel guilty taking time for ourselves for our own healing and self reflection and understanding. There are times when other things must take the back burner so that we aren't the thing on the back burner anymore. There is nothing wrong with just being you and taking a breather.

For each of us that will look different but the thing that will be the same is that something somewhere will have to go in order for you to find that balance and the time needed to rejuvinate and look inward. While you are there it is important to remember the little things. Know that others appreciate your company, your wisdom, your laughter and your presence and it's okay if that is all that you give for a while. Honestly I think we are drawn to give where we are most needed and useful. Try to tap into what you are drawn to and over time you will probably see a pattern. It's okay to not be interested in every volunteer/service opportunity out there. Be open to the possiblity that it's NOT where you are needed.

I get easily sucked into doing the good things that I think others think I should be doing. Then I can get resentful or worn out and my life at home suffers because I'm being pulled too many directions. I keep having to relearn that sometimes letting go and saying no are the hardest part. The Lord has his own expectations of me and where I should be spending my time and talents. If I get too wrapped up into what I think my spouse, my neighbor, my friends, my parents, siblings, inlaws etc want me to do then I lose who I am and I lose purpose. I have to get right with God and that is IT. I don't need to seek anyone else's approval because no one else's vision is as clear or wide as God's is. If I allow myself to ask God what he wants me to do and I trust that I can find so much more inner peace than trying to make everyone understand my choices.

I realized that by trying to help everyone understand my choices I am not helping them at all. Sometimes we as humans are judgemental of others circumstances and it doesnt matter what they say. We don't get it but over time God can teach us to be much more loving and accepting than we had previously been. So if I make a decision about my family and someone doesn't understand it and it causes them to see me in a negative light then God now has the opportunity to teach His child a higher way to see, to love and to accept but if I spend my time trying to cater my life and decisions to others views/opinions then God loses that opportunity to show His child another way of living or seeing through me.

So much of life is way more about us than it is about others. Even as a mother it's more about me than my kids. Most people will tell you they learned more from their kids than their parents. Kids have a way of really teaching us about ourselves, about life and if we are listening about God. So it's okay to "just be you" for a while. That's actually a pretty hard job in a world that is always throwing so many opinions and views your way.

Playdough Recipe with Essential oils!

I woke up this morning with every intention of cleaning my house and doing several loads of laundry. In the last few weeks my house has flooded and we went on a family camping trip. I still have piles gathered either from the flood or from camping. Twenty minutes into cleaning I was out of breath and my stomach muscles were tired. I blame the stuffy nose on pregnancy hormones and the tired stomach muscles from being 30 weeks pregnant! I quickly readjusted my expectations of the day. I thought "Maybe I can just get the camping stuff out of my dining room and do a few necessary loads of laundry." I was laying on our study/homeschooling room floor resting when I saw Kylee in the hall upset from a recent fight she had with Morgan over fair wings. 

It was then that my eyes were averted to our bin of craft supplies and once again the focus of my day changed. I thought "Maybe I should add in some quality time with the kids".  Kylee and I started talking about what we could do for our craft and after several minutes of searching the web we decided to make playdough! Of all the things I had planned for the day this was not one of them but it sounded like a much better alternative than the things I had planned anyway. :) So to avoid further fights and contention we headed off to the kitchen to make playdough! I figured if I was going to be doing it I might as well document it and blog about it. Of course my counters were filled with life happenings so I had to clean them off in order to make room and get a nice picture of course!

In life there are always trade offs and today I decided that instead of washing all of my pots and pans by hand they were going in the dishwasher for a faster clean up and some time with my kiddos! Thank goodness for a dishwasher. So what do you need to make play dough?

Supplies Needed

• Oil, Salt, flour, cream of tartar(I used baking powder), food coloring and water
• Also a pan and something to cool the play dough on I used wax paper but a plate would work

Playdough Recipe

• 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 cup salt
• 1 teaspoon cream of tartar (I used 1/2 tsp baking powder)
• 1/2 cup of water
• 1 Tbsp of cooking oil
• Food coloring
• 6-8 drops of essential oil (optional)

Directions

In a saucepan combine flour, salt and cream of tartar

add in the cooking oil, food coloring and water and mix until smooth.

 At this point you can add in your essential oils or wait until you knead the dough. I added lavender oil and decided to add red food coloring to turn the playdough purple. Turn on the heat to medium-low and stir until the mixture forms a ball. 

It was at this point that I had lost the interest of the kids and they went and grabbed their already made Play-Doh.

Once the mixture has reached the consistency of playdough you can remove it from the heat and allow it to cool for about 5 minutes.

If you didn't add your essential oils in the saucepan you can now knead them into the dough, or you can omit this step. Since my kids had been fighting earlier I decided to use lavender oil which has a calming effect. I loved the smell of oils in the playdough and so I couldn't stop there. Plus what fun is only one color of playdough? Kids love citrus oils so I decided to use some wild orange, lemon and lime.

The kids seemed to have a great time and got the benefit of essential oils with it!



Talents taken for granted

I started the morning by cooking breakfast with my youngest daughter Jaidyn. Before we could cook we needed to clean the counters off, part of that involved taking garbage to the outside garbage. On the way back in she said "I came in before you." A few seconds later as if to reiterate her point she said "I came in before you and you came in after me." I jokingly said "Yes, that's usually how it works." In my mind though I was reminded of the time last year that I took my son to speech therapy. While there she mentioned that he struggled with his prepositions, before and after being one set of them. He was 7 at the time and Jaidyn is 3, so I was proud of her that she could differentiate between the two as well as use them correctly.

Something that perhaps before I would have taken for granted. I have had a lot of things like that come up over time. My sweet husband is very hands on and mechanically inclined. He can encounter new machinery he has never seen before and just by looking at it tell you what it does and how. He always wants to know how things work. His talent for seeing how things function is something he has always taken for granted and usually calls common sense. What I see as a knack or a talent he sees as just plain common sense. It took some time with him being married into my family to realize that not everyone has this "common sense". I hope as time goes on he can better appreciate the gifts he has been given.

Another moment I was reminded of was when Carl James was in physical therapy as a baby and toddler. We had to do certain exercises to get him to sit up independently. Later we had to teach him how to get up from a sitting position into a standing position. If we were to stand him up on his own two feet he could stand for just a second on his own or longer while holding onto something but he could not go from sitting to standing on his own. We felt it was very important for him to have this kind of independence and to not need something to pull up on to do it. The physical therapist taught us a way to help him get to a standing position on his own and we worked with him on this technique for weeks if not months.

 

He eventually mastered this and took his first 5 steps at 18 months.

 Getting my twins to stand and to walk was a much easier task though. One of them started walking at 9 months and perfected it at 10 months. The other started walking at 10 months and perfected it in a week. She might be a little competitive. :) While I was there with my twins when they were learning to walk and stand there were many moments where they were learning independently which is true for my son as well, there were just more moments that I was there working with him and teaching him.

 

My twins are very agile and flexible. Something that comes natural for them. Kids at the park will envy the way they can climb and manipulate their bodies. Just the other day we were at the park and I had to tell them to climb out of a tree because they were too high.

 

 

Even though they were so high I was only slightly nervous because I know their capability. Still it seemed the wise choice to have them come down. We each have something we are good at. Something that comes natural for us. I have a brother that is very charismatic and does great in sells. Even though he is only 23 all of my family expects him to make a lot of money cause they know his set of talents. Things that come easy for my husband aren't necessarily easy for my brother and the reverse is true as well. It's easy to see others talents and dismiss our own. As I have struggled with things and seen others struggle I have come to have a better appreciation for the simple things. Even things as simple as being able to walk, balance and stand in one place. I am much more appreciative for my body after having had a child with physical limitations than I was before. I spent much of my youth jealous of the girls that were able to dance and do gymnastics or tumbling. It wasn't until I had my twins and started watching other kids at the park that I realized I was much more capable physically than I had ever given myself credit.

 

I might not be the most coordinated person when it comes to sports or dance but I do have a lot of strength and control over my body. I have been loving aerial silks and realizing that I am starting at a different spot than each woman in the room and it's okay to be where I am at.

 

 

Cub Scout Day

I write from a place today of awe and gratitude. There are so many times that we see the weaknesses or the evils of mankind. When you turn on the news or the radio, as you drive down the freeway encountering people with road rage, when we have our quarrels with family, friends, neighbors or coworkers the flaws of mankind become more and more evident. Today though I witnessed the opposite. Today I saw the strength of mankind through strangers compassion and consideration. It reminded me how much the small things we do really do matter. Today was cub scout camp day. I had hoped my husband could take my son so that they could have some father bonding time and I knew my son would enjoy it more with his dad rather than his mom. When I found out that my husband would not be able to get work off, I cried.

If he weren't disabled he could have joined the scouting group on his own without either parent but I knew he would need lots of one on one attention and would need help with toileting needs. Sometimes the hardest thing about having a child that is disabled is the day to day heartaches rather than the surgeries. Since my husband wouldn't be able to get off work it meant that I would need to get a babysitter for my 3 younger girls and impose on someone else's day. It also meant that I would be out in the heat at 7 months pregnant helping my son stay balanced, climb things and shoot the bow and arrow while stabilizing him in a standing position. I was really worried about this since I have been very fatigued lately from the pregnancy. I wasn't sure that I could take him or that either of us would have a good time. I wasn't sure how far the distance would be from one activity to the next since I had never been up to the camp. I decided late the night before though that I would take him.

My sister was very generous and even though it was last minute she said she would watch my 3 girls. I knew with my girls there I wouldn't worry and I would be able to concentrate on Carl James. So we all got ready for the day and headed up to my sisters and then camp. I got to camp much later than expected and was worried about what he had missed. The camp staff were very helpful in helping us find our group and even gave him and I a ride up the hill to where our group was. It turned out that we had only missed archery and the "leave no trace" activity. Soon after we arrived they were ready to move on to the next station which was the hike. The camp leader that was up in charge of the hike was very on the ball and noticed his crutches so she gave him the option to go try out archery instead of the hike since the hike was a steep hike. With a little coercion from me he decided to do archery.

Once again they gave us a ride down the hill and to the archery station.

After the archery he said "I was nervous cause I thought they were real bow and arrows but now I am glad that I decided to go here instead." After archery we went on a canoe ride where he got to have his own paddle which he thought was pretty cool. While there on the canoe ride I could hear him laughing at the funny things the other boys would say and do and so I knew he was getting more comfortable and enjoying himself. He always takes a minute to warm up to a group and so it was nice to see that this process was starting even though it was only his second activity with his scout group.

One of my favorite parts of the day was seeing how he reacted to the rope bridge. I had been asking him if he was going to try it and his first reaction was a straight up "No." So I decided to let him fall back in line and just watch the other boys. We continue to talk about it and his answer slowly softened from a straight up "no" to "I want to try it but I don't want to try it." Eventually his answer was "I want to do it so I can send dad a video but I kinda don't want to do it."

As the boys took their turns I watched his facial expressions and I could see that he was not only warming up to the idea but working up the courage. The time finally came for his turn and it was wonderful! He did an amazing job and at the end was as proud as could be! The look on his face was priceless! Later in the obstacle course there was a beam that the boys were to balance on. He absolutely loved conquering that! We actually had to go back through the obstacle course to get a video for his dad. :)

 

At the end of the day I was filled with joy and gratitude. I ached for him to have the experience that I knew this could be for him. For him to enjoy the company of the other scouts and the leaders and for him to be able to feel confident and accomplished as he completed each task. I knew how life changing an experience this could be for him and I also knew it could go south really fast. I had prayed that he could have the experience I hoped he could. I was irritated when I got to camp much later than expected but as the day unfolded I know the Lord was looking out for us and had an interest in our day and how our day went. He answered my prayer and helped us arrive at just the right time and had just the right people there to help this be a great experience. I am so grateful to everyone that took the time and noticed his special needs. As small or big as their accommodations were. It made all the difference.

My favorite picture of the day. I saw this proud look so many times through the day. It warmed my heart.

It isn't about reading

The other morning I woke up determined to actually do some school! I decided we were going to read first since it's such a crucial part of my children's education right now. I presented the idea in the most cheerful voice I could muster yet still my children just groaned! I had the urge to put on my "boss hat" and just make them read with me but I felt impressed to do something entirely different. The thought came to my mind "Teach them a lesson from the 'Before they turn 12' book."



It's a book I bought at Seagull book that goes over the principles taught in "For the Strength of the Youth" manual. This thought seemed like a distraction from my current goal and so I fought the idea but it came yet again. So I decided to at least open the book and see what pops out. I opened the book to the table of contents and the heading "Education" stuck out. I knew right then that sometimes it isn't about reading at all. I recognized that my children needed a testimony of the importance of education.

I took the time to study the lesson and we had a great discussion on why it's important to be educated. We talked about whether or not Heavenly Father wants us to be educated and how being educated could help us in our lives. That in order to know our talents and skills we need to be exposed to different things to first find our interests. That the Lord instilled in us certain talents and certain desires to fulfill our earthly mission and that by reading and studying we could unlock those things. We talked about how it's hard to learn new things if you cannot read. What is most important is that when I thought I was skirting the issue I was really addressing it to it's core. I am thankful to a Heavenly Father who guides me daily and moment by moment in how to raise His children. I am a much better mom thanks to Him.

So when your child isn't reading...ask the Lord, He will tell you what to do. 

Loving the present and looking forward to the future

It's a Sunday morning. We are all outside enjoying the cool weather after the rain last night. Carl is in the garage

making essential oil holders


and the kids are riding their bikes.

 

Even the dog is enjoying the weather and company.

Each of them has had a chance to help daddy sand in the garage. It's days like this where I think "Life is good." Even though last week our entire basement flooded and we sort of got our house put back together and then decided to still go on the camping trip we had planned for my husbands birthday and now we are living in total chaos. Not to mention my husband has gotten less hours at work and credit card bills have started to take their toll. Life is hard, life is busy but still life is good. We currently live in a state of chaos and a state of poverty (although I think that's using the term a bit too loosely) yet I still can't shake the feeling that one day it won't be like this and I will look back at our chaos and lack of resources and laugh and maybe cry at the way we had to do things. There is nothing hinting that things will get better. If life could be read like an 8 ball then it'd probably say "All signs point to NO" yet still I think we will get the house we want, the vacations we long for and the land we hope for our children to grow up on. It might take time but to be honest I'm enjoying this experience that I am having now, appreciating that one day it will be gone and hoping I can learn everything I need to from it.

Jaidyn playing in the sawdust left from Carl's project

Recently I have had the desire to be able to support my husband in his role as the financial provider in a different way than I have in a long time and see how I can help supplement his income. It's interesting thinking of going back to work or doing something to make money from home. Time has become even more valuable to me. The freedoms I enjoy as a stay at home mom are even more evident to me. I have always known that I "have it good" and that I am lucky to be able to be home with my kids but the idea of going back to work and having someone else tell me what to do with my time and when to be there is a really frustrating thought. I have gotten used to the fact that if I do not want to go somewhere at a particular moment in time most things I need/want to do can wait.  Sure there are some responsibilities like doctor's appointments (and we have a lot of those) and such but for the most part I am able to govern how I spend my time. That's a luxury! I don't mean to say that my children don't demand my instant attention it's just that I enjoy raising my children and so their interruptions don't bother me like a work schedule would. :)

Like the twins asking me to braid their hair and then take their picture. A happy "interruption" in my day.

I am determined to figure out how to help my husband make money from the skill set that he was blessed with. Too many mechanically inclined men are struggling to support their families and where would we be without their mindset and their skillset? I know that my life is much easier having a husband that can fix or rig things up for me. I have pretty much come to the conlclusion that if I need or want something my husband can figure out how to make it or rig it so that it fits my needs and my wants. Now that's a service that should be well compensated, don't ya think? Sadly it's not. To give you an idea of his talents here is a picture of a shed that he built.....

It isn't finished yet cause of lack of funds but it's amazing isn't it?! He can just figure this stuff out like it's no problem and when he has something he is struggling with he can always find someone who knows the answer. He is very friendly and very resourceful. I can't wait for the day that he can see his talents for what they truly are and that he can be compensated for using and developing them. This post is to remind me of that inner peace and determination that I had even before things were looking up! Here is to our future!

Academic Advantage

It's funny the different perspectives on homeschooling. When I was younger most of the speculation about homeschooling was that if you were homeschooled you must be socially awkward. I think some people even thought there was some kind of secret that we must have been keeping. Now that I am homeschooling as a mom there is still that speculation and concern from society about whether or not your children are being socialized but on the other side of the coin is an assumption. The assumption I have encountered is that since I am homeschooling my kids they must be geniuses or that it is my intention to make them so but that isn't how it started for me. In fact, my kids are currently behind their grade level expectations set by the state. I sometimes get caught up worrying about them being behind but then I have to remind myself. I didn't homeschool to achieve an academic advantage.

I decided to homeschool first on a prompting and as time went on I saw thought patterns and habits in my children that I wanted to address, thought patterns and habits that I might not have noticed had they been in public school and only home for a short time. Or I would have noticed but blamed some outside source for their struggles. With them being homeschooled if something is wrong in their world I automatically look at our patterns at home before I let my mind wander anywhere else. This is where they are most of the time so it's most likely there is something right here at home that is bothering them. There are times when my child will do or say something that "gives us away". That let's the rest of the world know that we are lagging behind academically. When it's in front of family or friends I cringe. I wonder what assumptions they might be making about my "mistake deciding to homeschool" or I wonder what concerns they now have about my children falling behind.

It's in those moments that I lose sight of my why and I worry about their judgment. If I give in to the fear of failure I suddenly lose my edge as their mother who is divinely guided. When I give in to the fear of failure I suddenly become much more likely to fail. I start to worry about others understanding me and my motives. I start to wish that they could see my vision but instead of adhering to my vision more firmly I start to take on theirs in hopes that I will gain their favor. The problem is; is that I can't raise my children to everyone else's expectations. While one mother would choose public school for her reasons another might choose homeschooling for her reasons but just because a mother is homeschooling doesn't mean we would automatically agree on how to approach it. Their are as many ways to homeschool as their are people. So in trying to find favor with those who disagree with me and my choices I actually lose my competitive edge and along with it my vision and my reason (or my why). 

Is there an academic advantage to homeschooling? Of course. My favorite academic advantage is that your child can study what he or she is interested in. The love of learning stays alive.

One of my twins caught a dragonfly. Look at how intrigued they are!

Then there is the more obvious advantage which is the child to teacher ratio. When you have 1 child to 1 mother or even 4 children to 1 mother compared to 30 students to 1 teacher there is an obvious advantage right there. You are better able to see specifically what it is a child is struggling with, tailor to his or her needs and make it enjoyable for him or her. As a mother you love your child and you want him or her to have every chance to succeed so you work really hard at getting your child the resources he or she needs. As a mother you are able to see the whole child and you are able to know why your child is struggling with math or reading. Whether it be lack of exposure, lack of interest, lack of confidence or that he hates the books you are reading. In time you can tell. So you will know whether your child needs to read more or take a step back. Sometimes improving academics has nothing to do with academics and a lot more to do with emotions and security. That's why I am homeschooling.

As my children have struggled with reading I have watched them in other areas of their lives. I have watched where their confidence grows strong and where it starts to wane. In time I realized that they weren't emotionally ready to tackle reading; at least not at the level we were currently pursuing it. I needed to give them more opportunities to succeed academically and to dare to take a guess when they weren't sure of the answer. So while they are gaining confidence I am working hard on my own confidence in trusting my maternal instinct and trusting the learning process. I trust that my kids want to learn, that their soul yearns for more knowledge and wisdom and it's my job to make sure I don't crush that natural desire. In short, I just need to get out of the way and let things happen. I am realizing that a lot of things in life go smoother when we get our ego out of the way and when we do things for the sake of doing the right thing. Not to look better or to gain others acceptance but just because it's what we do because it's who we are and it's what we feel needs to be done.

Do I appreciate the academic advantage that comes with homeschooling? Absolutely, but mostly I appreciate the independence and that they are able to become their best selves in these formative years. That they are able to find who they are, what they stand for, what talents and visions they have and in time they can share their visions and talents with the world. In short, I homeschool mostly for the emotional and spiritual advantage of homeschooling. 

Learning the hard way and maternal instinct

I made a bad choice today. Sadly the older I get the more bad choices and mistakes it seems I make. They say "The more I learn the less I know" It's so true. The more I learn the more I realize how fallible I am. Today we went hiking with some ladies in the neighborhood. As we walked on the trail four ladies went ahead chasing after my twins, Jaidyn and the other little girl that was running ahead. As they tried to keep up with the kids ahead I stayed back with Carl James. He struggled to keep up with their pace and they were quickly far out of sight from us, which worried me with me not being able to see my twins and Jaidyn. So I tried to keep him moving without leaving him. We got a mile into the trail which took half an hour and ended up at a park. They wanted to go ahead and see if the trail continued past the big field of grass and up past the parking lot. My gut told me that I needed to turn around for Carl James but I followed them. It did not lead to a path. They wanted to walk down a road and then up a road to look for the path. I told them I needed to turn around. Four ladies kept walking ahead, 2 stayed back with me (one of them I gave a ride to). Things were fine for a while since Carl James got to rest while we chatted about what to do. Then we stopped for a snack and then we kept going. The 2 ladies that turned around with me started to walk ahead and my twins followed. Jaidyn was whining about her legs being tired at this point and I started to give her a piggy back ride (I am 19 weeks pregnant). I watched Carl James. His gait was getting more sloppy, his face was bright red, he was dripping sweat off of his forehead and he started to breathe more heavily. He needed a break but I wanted to catch up to the twins and I promised this lady I would have her home around 12:30 and she seemed anxious to get home.   

I should have slowed down. I should have called the ladies ahead and told them to send my twins back. I should have told the lady that I gave a ride that I needed to slow down dramatically but if she wanted to she could ride home with the other lady from out neighborhood. What I should have done was look out for my son and my family. The way I pushed him today was unacceptable. I thought my heart was breaking because they didn't understand and they weren't waiting, I thought my heart was breaking because I was realizing how much the world will pass him by and not wait, I thought my heart was breaking because I was being misunderstood and I felt torn between being with my twins and being with Carl James. That is all probably true but later today I realized my heart was breaking because I wasn't making the right choice and it hurts to make the wrong choice. Something inside of us knows when we are making the wrong choice and our conscience won't let us settle. My heart was breaking because my son needed me and I was failing to see his needs first. The lady I gave a ride could wait an extra half hour or ride with the other lady from our neighborhood. The twins could slow down, I could have chosen him first but instead I was worried about her feelings and my obligations.

I want to be strong enough to choose my family's needs first. I want to be wise enough to trust my maternal instinct and trust that my children need me first. I want to have a clear head when my child needs me and not an anxious jumbled mess. I used to be strong enough to assert my needs. One day that changed, one day I decided to listen to other people first, that my needs weren't that important. I don't know when I just know that there was a shift. Today was hard. I went home crying. Feeling misunderstood and frustrated. I went home sad that my child doesn't have the freedom of movement that I wish he had. I went home frustrated that I had to have such a craving for movement yet the Lord gave me a child that severely limits my ability to get out and move like I wish. But today was good because I realized....I didn't choose my family and it was a clear enough example to help me recognize it and to face that knowledge and to analyze my life. This must be a pattern for me (to worry more about the needs of others) and I must need to remedy it or I wouldn't have experienced what I did today.

I am sorry Carl James. I am sorry that I didn't slow down more for you. I am sorry that I let you suffer in silence because that is how you are. I am sorry that I didn't choose you. It wasn't a conscious effort; had I seen this clearly in the moment I would have chosen differently but you gave me the opportunity to see a flaw and a weakness I have and for that I am grateful. Thank you Carl James for teaching me today. All of you kids teach me everyday. Thank you Kylee for the hugs while I sat on the couch crying. 

I am going to do better by you guys. I am going to be strong enough to choose right for my family even when people don't understand. I am going to choose you. I am going to make a conscious effort to choose all of you. Another good thing that came of today is that I realized I might not be as horrible of a person as I thought. I know that I always push Carl James when we are hiking. I want to get further up the mountain and I want to not slow the twins down too much. So i push him even when i can see that he is tired but today I saw how much faster I COULD be going but I don't. It made me realize how much I do slow down for him. How much we do enjoy nature and the scenery. It made me realize that yes I push him but I also put his needs into consideration. I realized that I am better at showing him I love him than I thought. I might feel impatience inside but I fight it and I take the time to enjoy the scenery and usually we have a much better time doing so.

I love hiking far and exploring more but today I realized I love hiking with my family. I like the little groove we have going and it's okay that we stop and we explore the nooks and crannies and the bugs and enjoy the shade. Life is good.