Dinner is over, the kids scramble off to get ready for bed and I'm left with putting the left overs away and washing the dishes. As I wash the dishes I'm recounting the day. What was good about it, what went wrong, what could have gone better, what was done, what was left undone, etc. I said to my husband "You know what stinks about being a mom? Well I guess you could say it's good depending on how you look at it but there is no measuring stick to see how you are doing. At the end of the day I can't just look at this measuring stick and see that I didn't quite make it to the top but with a few changes I could make it there, or I could see that it was a good successful day, or I could see that I was totally failing, even better I could see that I was going above and beyond. There is no such thing though.
I struggle to fall asleep as I lay in bed wondering if I did everything right and what I could change to make the rest of the days better. I'm wondering if my time was spent in the best place possible with the child who needs it most. I'm left wondering if I met all of their needs or if something in their tiny hearts went unseen. I feel guilt over the moments of impatience and worry what I might mess up tomorrow cause as much as I might promise myself I'll never get impatient or cross with them again, I know I will.
I say this not to evoke sympathy but I want you to know; I understand. I know I can't be the only mother who at the end of the day wonders "Did I make a difference? Did I teach the children anything today? Did I learn something from the struggles of the day so that I can be a better mother tomorrow? Did I prioritize well? Was I present and available for my children? Was something important missed? Did I listen to my husband when he came home or did I get lost in the chaos of the evening? Did we have family time? Did we do anything memorable? What did I even feed my kids today? Are they better off because they have me as their mother? Am I making the best choices for my family"?
I am sure to each mother I would measure differently on her measuring stick. Some would applaud my efforts and others would notice my failures. Some would see why I'm doing what I am doing and would praise me for it, others wouldn't understand and would think I am wasting my time; or even damaging my kids. Each one would have a different set of views and therefore different advice and council. There is no doubt if someone could shadow my day they would find their faults in my strengths. That's what we do as mothers. We look around at the mothers who go to work and still seem able to do everything, who get to stay home, who do crafts with their kids, who go to play dates, eat organic food, exercise, do free lance jobs, blog, start a business, decorate their house perfectly, keep their house immaculate, etc. Whatever current thing we are struggling with and we think "I should be able to do that."
I heard a person once say "stop 'shoulding' on yourself" it's messy, it's not attractive, it's not healthy and it's completely unnecessary. The times I am most successful as a mother are the times that I am noticing the good I do. The times that I am staying close to the Lord and I quietly pray "Please Lord, tell me what I am doing RIGHT because I can no longer deal with hearing what I am doing wrong." I found out he is pretty eager to let us know. I also found out that maybe that's what my kids need sometimes too. To know what they are doing right, how they are progressing and learning. To recognize where they have come from and the accomplishments they have made.
By paying attention to what I need I'm better able to see their needs. If I take the time for me and step out of my role as a mother for just a moment I'm better able to see my children as what they are; growing spirits, who have yearnings to learn and develop, to create, to prove themselves, to make a difference, to find their passion and their purpose. It's in those moments that the huge list of "should's" suddenly disappear and I'm left with just a few personal things for each of my children that their Father in Heaven wants them to know at this very moment. That list is manageable and that list is undoubtedly the most important things.
So throw away the measuring stick, get rid of your should's, stop checking facebook for more ideas on how to be a better mother, or pinterest for how to compete with the rest of the mothers and take some time to get on your knees and really listen. Your search will be over, no more researching necessary, no sorting through opinions and advice, no hurt feelings from someone misinterpreting your post on fb asking for advice, and nobody will steer you wrong because you will be listening to Him and He knows what needs to happen in your life.
