Bedtime Snuggles

I had a dream the other night. In my dream I was 17 years old again and all of my siblings were the age they were when I was 17. In my dream my mother had passed and I felt so angry at the world and even angry at her for leaving me. I am the oldest girl of 7 children and I felt the need to take on her role as nurturer. I worried..."What will I teach my younger sister about dating, my mom should be here to teach the one younger than her to shave her legs and how to handle her period, and my youngest sister has so much to learn about being a woman, I dont know how to be a woman!" I felt grief at the loss of my mother, my idol, and I felt overwhelmed and burdened by what I felt was now my responsibility.

When I awoke that morning my thoughts turned to my girls, ages 6, 6, and 2.  I have spent many days wondering what good I do being a stay at home mom. What part of the day really mattered and being overwhelmed by the mundane. As I awoke that morning though, something felt different. The smaller things were magnified for me. As I went throughout the day and as I have gone throughout the week I have been able to catch some of these moments in real time. I have been able to pinpoint some of them; things I was blind to before. 

Like this moment...I have the garbage bag in my hands ready to take it out and my son starts talking, he takes forever to form his thoughts into words and when he finally does he forgets crucial words or ideas even complete phrases so he hardly makes sense,  I am about to walk toward the door halfway through his sentence when I hear the word "stop" in my head, I stopped, I listened, I responded, we smiled. It got me thinking....how many times do I walk away while he is talking? I always let him finish but I am always ready to go out of the room as soon as that one thought is done. What am I home for? I call myself a stay at home mom, not a stay at home maid.  Unfortunately all of us have to clean at some point but not in such a rush or so engrossed that we totally miss out on the moments we stayed home for.

Tonight I got home from a busy night, my daughter was extra cuddly and as I went over the past few  days I realized she has been really cuddly for a few days. I realized she needed a moment to wind down and maybe cry a bit. So we cuddled and we talked and there were moments I thought she was going to cry all night but I felt like I needed to just listen and be on her timetable. Eventually she told me she wanted my husband and I to be safe (she was concerened for our safety). I remember feeling that as a child, "what if something happens to my mom or dad?" It was a legitimate concern for her and probably the first time she realized that we arent superhumans, we are vulnerable too. Had I just sent her to bed I would have missed the moment. 

After she shared with me the room felt different, we talked about a few things and I was able to express my love for her and my faith in her Heavenly Father who loves her. I could feel that I gained some of her trust tonight. That's a wonderful feeling. That was worth leaving picking up dishes from dinner for tommorow morning.  I might have missed the window had I waited.

Here she is sleeping next to me while I write

That's something I am going to work on being better at. Living in the present and detecting the more subtle  needs of my children. Noticing and taking advantage of those precious moments.