Trading spaces (gratitude for my body)

We all do it as women. Admit it your body is underappreciated if not despised. We complain about minor and major details and get those confused all the time. :) We wish we were taller, shorter, thinner, curvier, bigger boobs, smaller boobs, etc.

Last night I had an interesting dream about my body. In my dream I wasn't in my body any more but another body. It was everything I had ever wished for...I was shorter, curvier, had large breasts and a nice rump buttox and I was miserable! The world looked different being shorter and I longer for my normal view. I felt disconnected with my body and we were not in unison. Every movement that usually flowed out of me easily felt awkward. I longed for my long limbs and to be able to really reach my arms out. Something I rarely do for fear of "taking up too much space." I didn't feel like me.

I worried about connecting with my family in the same way I once did. This wasn't a fear of them recognizing me it was somehow known to me that they wouldn't know me as any different, as if they had forgotten my old body; but I hadn't, and I wondered how my looks and mannerisms might change our relationship. Something that had never occurred to me in my waking hours. Not in the same sense at least.

What stuck out the most was my longing for my old body back, for that connection we have. We have been together a long time after all. I have always felt as if I looked like a man with my small breasts and my height but I longed to be tall and thin again. I longed to feel my own walk again. I longed for my small but round butt and suddenly appreciated the looks of my own bottom. I missed the way it felt to be me and me and my body felt so intertwined, I lost myself when I lost my body.

I woke up intrigued. Grateful to have a body that moves with such ease. Grateful for my health and even my looks. I am who I am, I look the way I look, I got this body for a lifetime and so I might as well enjoy it.

Thanks body for everything you do. For the abuse you put up with on a daily basis, for the love you share and for the children you bare. :) I'll try to be more grateful to you in the future.

Imagine potty training for 7 years

 I hate potty training. It's messy, it's time consuming, it's frustrating and it's never immediate. You get messes on your bathroom floor, or worse your carpet, you have extra laundry and extra stinky laundry. It wears on  your patience and you know losing your patience will only make matters worse. You always have to pack an extra pair of clothes anywhere you go and ideally if you are potty training you should be home all the time for a given amount of time (each child is different). You make progress and then sometimes go backwards. A diaper can be such an easier way to live for a while. No rush to the bathroom, rarely accidents on the clothes, less laundry to do and hopefully no poop or pee on your floor.

So I usually wait to potty train. If my child acts interested we will go to the potty and we will do several trial potty training sessions from 1 day to a week depending on the child's interest but I always wait until my child seems motivated to potty train. My daughter is 3 and just this week decided it truly is important to potty train. She has been interested since she was 18 months or younger but it wasn't always consistent and she wasn't very successful. I am not good at the constant reminders or setting an alarm and if I do set an alarm I usually miss the window of when the child actually  needs to go. This is my fourth child and I realized I'm just not a good potty training mom. So I wait, I wait until my child is pretty much able to potty train him or herself. Sometimes I feel guilty as I hear other mothers talk about how they are potty training their child that is younger than mine. Sometimes I worry I made the wrong decision not pushing potty training more as I see their 2 year old being successful taking care of their own toileting needs but then the  day finally comes when my child is ready to figure this out by him or herself and I realize all is well. It worked out fine.

Now imagine all of the struggles you have found with potty training and imagine...you have done it for 7 years. The messes, the trial and error, the extra laundry, the stinky smells, the feeling that you are failing, the impatience at your child for not being able to succeed and the guilt for feeling that way. Then imagine...it will NEVER go away. There is no hope for a different lifestyle only maybe an improved lifestyle but still it will always feel like a little bit of potty training. That's part of what it's like to have a child with spina bifida. You ache for their frustration and you want to scream for yours.

There are times I feel selfish as a mother, because I am not wishing the spina bifida will go away for him, I am wishing it for me. Wishing he could independently go number 2 and I would never have to know about it. Wishing there was less laundry and that his bed didn't smell like urine from leaking out at night. Wishing I wasn't cleaning up poop stains, wishing I didn't wake up to do a cone enema first thing in the morning. Wishing we weren't fighting about catheterizing or diaper changes. Wishing life were simpler and pooping and peeing were easier. Wishing for the days when I took bowel and bladder control for granted.

The supplies gathered for a typical trip to the bathroom for him

Amongst the mess and the trial and error, we are able to bond. The time needed to care for his toileting needs is time that we have to set aside. So we make the best of it. We talk about what he wants to do for the day or how his day was. I ask him about his dreams last night and tell him about mine. I wish we were doing something different, I wish he didn't need this special care and that life was easier for him but at least it gives us something many families struggle to find and that is TIME.

There is humor and humility in imperfection

What does it mean to be perfect? Does it mean that we are never afraid? It seems only natural, only human to be afraid but fear cannot exist where faith is. So being afraid would mean that we lack perfect faith. Does it mean that we never feel sadness or sorrow, because then our joy would not be full. Does feeling sadness or sorrow mean that we are not being grateful? I have a hard time understanding perfection. Sometimes I try to think of what would create a perfect world then I think of the type of people we would need to create this perfect world. At times perfection seems a little boring. Don't we after all love many of our family members FOR their quirks and their imperfections?

For example, I have a friend who lacks tact and I find some of her bold conversations quite humorous, a brother who always jokes even when sometimes he shouldn't but there are certain things I tell him or certain ways I tell him things just to hear his remark or reaction, I have a father who gets angry when his children are mistreated and therefore he understands my frustrations when I feel my children are mistreated and so I share those moments with him.  I have a sister who is very dedicated to whatever she chooses and loves to plan ahead and expects things to go perfectly (or at least hopes) and so she understands when I get frustrated when things don't work out the way I want and when all of my dedication and hard work didn't pay off like I had hoped. I have another sister who often sees things as black and white and has many a time been upset when the world didn't fall into that category but because of that I know where I stand with her and more importantly I know where she stands and I respect her for that grounding.  I have a mother who is not easily offended and so she may not always be careful with her choice of words and sometimes offends others but it is her who teaches me  to give others the benefit of the doubt. Nothing is personal to her, she understands that people have their reasons and they very likely have nothing to do with her. I have a brother who often fails to plan and you can usually depend on being late but it is his spontaniety and his relaxed attitude that will allow him to totally be in the present with you when you are talking to him. Sometimes my husband rattles on and forgets to let people have a turn to talk but it can be so nice when I am feeling antisocial or less talkative and we have company over or we are at a social gathering. Even after 8 years of marriage he can still find a story from his childhood that he hasn't told me yet. He can make everything a story. Whereas in my mind the event would have been either unimportant or over in one sentence.  Sometimes I can be controlling, possessive or angry over my loved ones but it also means that I am protective, thougtful and that I care. 

When I look at the peopel I love I don't know if I have learned more from their strengths or their imperfections, but I do know that I learn from BOTH. So while I am busy messing up every day of the week and likely every day of the rest of my life just remember I am here to show you a different way and the benefits or consequences of that way. So if all you can do is be grateful that I am here to show you the way NOT to do it then be grateful for that. Everyone in our life crosses our path for a reason and if the only reason is to learn what you do not like or how a certain style doesnt work for you then that is okay. You are not meant to be deeply attached to every person in your life. Nor are you meant to adopt every one of their styles or habits but some people are here to show us the way. Some people reflect back to us our imperfections and instead of resenting them for that thank them and learn to improve. Your parents, siblings, spouse and children will most definitely uproot your most needed areas of improvement. What a wondeful gift, cherish it and be grateful that they are not perfect and forgive yourself for not being perfect. We have time to master perfection. Until then lets enjoy the humor and humility imperfection brings.