Weight gain and motherly pain

I have watched my son's stomach grow and grow over the last several months. I have assumed that this is due to his constipation being worse and so I have tried to be more and more consistent with our bowel regimen and to switch things up a bit. He has had some minimal relief but not enough to ease my anxiety or the tightness of his shirt. It's hard to explain the pain a mother feels when she finds out her child is disabled or the pain she feels as she sees this disability cause him to struggle in life. It's hard to explain the pain you feel when your child stumbles over and over and in time you learn to "get used to it" or ignore it. Watching him fall to his knees used to make my heart drop in pain. Now there are times when other people are more considerate of him than me. I have to let the pain go or it controls me.

This is a new heart dropping pain. I knew he was gaining weight but when we went to spina bifida clinic and they put a number to it, it was hard to hear. 20 lbs in 9 months! The rest of the family eats the same thing. We haven't gained any extra weight. Why, oh, why does he? The dietician tried to help us examine our lives. "Is he eating his veggies, is he drinking lots of juice, is he active, is he on a schedule, what does he eat at school, what does he eat at home?" It felt like too much to bear. Someone dissecting my life. I felt threatened. I knew my son was gaining weight and fast. I wasn't sure what to do about it.  He is so used to being bloated I wonder if he knows when he is full but can you really limit a 7 year olds portions? I didn't feel right doing that. He is a growing boy and I know several boys that gained weight at this age. Still my concern grew. He already struggles to walk. Will his knees and legs be able to handle the added weight?

The dietician went on. This time with suggestions. More veggies, two servings of veggies but only one serving of the main dish, less carbs, more daily activity, wheelchair sports, etc., etc. I knew she was trying to be helpful. Every other year at clinic I always had lots and lots of questions but that day she had hit a sensitive spot. I was so upset I couldn't even be polite, I just tolerated her and what felt like her stabs at my motherhood. It was all so personal. I had already dealt with this struggle inside and come up short. I knew the answers and real life were in conflict. I worried there would be fights about food; never a healthy thing. I worried about starving my child. All I could do was continue to go on and keep things normal. The only changes we made were to make sure all of the children were drinking plenty of water. Once in a while we would tell our son that he had, had enough food (if he had at least 3 servings or 2 large servings) but even this concerned me.

The option to eat more veggies and less of the main dish is a good option. Veggies just aren't as filling and he is after all a growing boy, but it is an option that we are going to start implementing and just play it by ear. My heart aches as I button up his shirt and the shirt bunches up. My heart aches as I see him out of breath after a short bout of running. My heart aches as I see him sitting down and his belly scrunches up. If I knew this was only a phase and not a way of life I would be okay. I could handle it. Weight gain is never healthy but for him it means a lot more disadvantage. Possibly the difference between being wheelchair bound or not. I'm surprised at how deeply this affects me and therefore worried to put too much focus on it, or he will feel my anxiety as well and that will only compound the problem.

I'm trying. I really am but sometimes, not trying, is better. At least while you get your bearings and let go of the emotion that makes things so difficult for you. I know I need to figure out why this hits home so hard and after I do that I can tackle trying to help my boy be back to a healthy weight but first I need to figure out my issues that are weighing me down before I can help him with his.