It's all about me, yet it's not about me.

It seems as if things in life come in waves. Whenever trials come they never seem to come one at a time. They come rushing in like waves. Recently my husband and I have had some struggles come our way and it seems they just keep coming. Not all things are struggles, some are blessings; such as having a baby, but still needs some adjusting and kinking. I guess that's a better way to explain most of our current struggles. We as a couple are changing and shifting and figuring out the kinks. Not long after this shifting started occurring he also lost his job. So he has been home more. Which has given us added time to evaluate our life, our current circumstances and work on our relationship as well as his business that he is starting. All of this extra time and TLC that has been needed to put into our relatonship as a couple, and in myself as a person, has left me feeling guilty on the time missed with the kids.

In some ways we are more attentive and more patient with our children since our individual needs are finally being met; but in other ways the kids have seemed to fend for themselves, as Carl and I have been discussing, repairing or building things. I have asked myself if I am being selfish or if this is a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation. I sincerely feel that the shifts that Carl and I have been going through both mentally and relationally have been for the best benefit and welfare for not only Carl and I but for our children as well. I was reminded of that today when Carl and I were working on building his website for his business and Morgan came up to us asking if she could do crafts. I so did not want to have a mess but I knew that the kids could really use the feeling of satisfaction that you get from creating something.

So together Carl and I decided that it would be okay for them to open up one of their Christmas gifts, which is a box full of random craft items.

Seeing how happy they were to be creating and to have that freedom without me hovering over them made me realize maybe I shouldn't feel so guilty that some things are sliding right now.  As you know I homeschool and with all that is going on it has taken somewhat of a back seat. I was reminded today that it's okay to need some "me" time and that homeschoolingis not about me, my skills, or my lack of skills. It's totally about the children. Learning is built into life, I don't know why I can experience that myself  yet fail to see that for my kids.

I'm grateful for being reminded that learning is a natural process and that in this moment of healing where I feel like "It's all about me" (or I need to focus on me) I am also ironically learning that when it comes to homeschooling "it's not about me at all". It's not about me looking good, being an amazing mom, or me trumping anyone else. It's also not about my shortcomings, lack of organization or my shortsightedness. The kids are fine. They are looked out for and I am guided in where I need to change and adjust. It's all good. :)

Boys and their scrapes

Yesterday I was helping Carl James with some of his medical needs. As I was helping him I happened to look down at his leg and I saw this fresh oozing wound. My stomach turned. It's on his leg that he doesn't feel very well (his left) and doesn't have much circulation in. Because of the lack of sensation and circulation, his body has a very difficult time healing wounds on that leg and especially foot. We have had a problem with sores on his left foot not healing and causing us to eventually have to amputate his left pinky toe (after 4 years of bandaging and babying it) so seeing a fresh sore on his leg isn't a "no big deal" type of thing. The wheels in my head started to turn "Is it from his braces? Maybe it's from his shoes that he wears without braces. What are we going to do? How can I protect it? Will bandages make it better or will it make it rub worse? Why is it wet and oozing? How bad is this gonna get? Should I call wound care? I hate that this happens to him so easily. Why does he have to have this trial? He can't go without shoes.

That will cause the underside of his toe to rip open again and we will be that much closer to amputating another toe. But he can't wear shoes rubbing that thing! Ahh!"

In the pictures it doesn't quite show the redness or the wet oozing but you get an idea

All of this went through my head in a matter of seconds. My heart started racing. The guilt was setting in of not checking his skin more regularly like the doctors had told me to do. Then my thoughts were interrupted with him saying "It's probably from me sliding down the stairs on my knees without shoes." My mind was brought back to all of the times I had heard the "thud, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, thud" down the stairs the past few days. All of my thoughts and my mood immediately changed. I thought "Oh so this sore is from my son who is disabled being an active and healthy boy?!" Suddenly I felt excitement, joy and I admit a little bit of pride. We still had the matter to deal with of how to tackle this new sore but I was so happy to hear that it wasn't from bracing or shoe issues. It wasn't from something that festered over weeks without me noticing. It was from my son being a boy!

While I am concerned about the overall outcome of this new sore, I am grateful that my son can move around and explore and still enjoy some boy like activities! One thing he has taught me though is that pain is a good thing! Had he had normal sensation he would have stopped sliding down the stairs before it got to this point. Since then I have banaged the toe and used both medihoney and complete tissue and bone on it and the redness has gone down, and shrunk in diameter. My friend who is a nurse gave me the genius idea of drawing around the edges of the red to see if it goes outside the lines in the morning. Luckily it shrunk!

This is a picture after I put the medihoney on it.

I guess time will tell how the wound turns out but so far I am pretty pleased with the progress. 

On being open

There are times in life when we will be challenged, times when our hearts will be broken and we fear that we are past the point of mending. There may come a time when a loved one is struck ill, you experience health issues yourself, you are hit with a loss, or someone you love is choosing a life below their potential and risking their own happiness, or perhaps you are doing this. There may also be times when you feel that your goodness has been taken advantage of, you have been deeply hurt and you want to close up for fear of being hurt again. Each of these times are moments of grief but also moments for potential growth. It is during these times that we find and define our values. That we find the strength from within and the resolve to move forward. It is during these times that we must remain the most open and fight the urge to close up and shrink. Let me illustrate my thoughts through a story I came across. There is an ancient Indian tale that goes like this....

Ancient Indian Tale-
An old Hindu master was fed up with the continual complaints and grumbles of his apprentice. So one day he asked the young man to fetch him a cup of water and a bowl of salt. When the young man returned, the master said “Now put a handful of salt in the water.:” The apprentice did so. The master then swirled the water around in the cup until all the salt had dissolved. “Now taste it” he said to the apprentice. The apprentice took a sip and screwed up his face in disgust.
"How does it taste?" the master asked.
"Horrible," said the apprentice.
The master chuckled “Yes, very unpleasant” he said. Now follow me. They walked down to the edge of a nearby lake and the master said “Now dip a handful of salt into the lake.” The apprentice did so. The master said “Now taste the water from the lake.” The apprentice drank from the lake and this time he smiled. “Not so hard to swallow, eh?” said the master. “This salt is like the inevitable pain of life, in both cases the amount of salt is the same but the smaller the container, the greater the bitterness. So when life gives us pain instead of closing in around it like this cup, we would do better to enlarge and open, like the lake.”

There will be times in life that you find yourself hurt and vulnerable. Natural human tendency will be to close up out of fear and self preservation. There are times that this is both healthy and necessary but there are also times that we need to find within ourselves the space to forgive and the space to be open to a person who is trying to change. I hope in those moments where your faith in humanity is tested that you will find it within yourself to open up and trust just a bit longer. To learn the important lessons of humility, patience, perseverance, acceptance, compassion, but also balance. To learn to stand up for yourself respectfully, to learn that your needs matter, that you matter, and that's its okay to expect others to treat you not only respectfully but compassionately. Especially as you do so to them. 

There may be times that someone you love is unwilling to change and staying with them will only bring more hurt. If you are prayerful you will know when this time is and instead of having the strength to stay you will have the strength to leave and within that strength you will find righteous indignation. While righteous indignation will have a sense of anger and injustice it is so much more than that. That anger and injustice will be less directed at the person and more directed at their choices instead. On http://www.gotquestions.org/ it says "We can know for sure that our anger or indignation is righteous when it is directed toward what angers God Himself. Righteous anger and indignation are justly expressed when we are confronted with sin. Good examples would be anger toward child abuse, pornography, racism, homosexual activity, abortion, and the like." But there are even more subtle sins than the ones mentioned above. Such as sins of ommission, that can hurt deeply as well. 

Not all pain will be infilicted by others choices but those ones are the ones that tend to make us close up. I picture people in these moments as a rose bud closed up trying to shield itself from the climate. At times this shielding is necessary for self preservation but when the sun comes out (and for us as humans sometimes before) it is time to open up, bloom and give beauty and color to the world around you. You do have something beautiful and amazing inside and those around you will miss out on that beauty and splendor if you continue to stay closed up. Especially if you have children. Dare to believe again, be like the lake that opens up despite the bitterness and you will find in time you have much to offer. 

Fighting for the good

It's hard to explain and even identify how growing up in the gospel blesses your life but this morning as I was contemplating I realized a few things. Being good is hard! Being a good person requires effort and work! Choosing right and avoiding temptation takes practice. It requires working and building mental, emotional and spiritual muscles. It requires being open and honest with yourself and in your interactions. It requires looking within and reevaluating current mindsets and perceptions. It's active work! It takes time and wisdom to differentiate the good from the bad and especially the good from the great, (or the good from the better.). There is a quote by a cherokee indian that goes like this....

"One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

I have thought about that a lot lately and how I have been feeding the wrong one. I examined the TV shows I was watching, the way I was disciplining my children and the way I was responding to my husband. I thought about how I was complaining about the trials that have come my way and I asked myself, "which wolf have I been feeding?" It was easy to see that in many ways I was feeding the evil wolf and at the same time neglecting to feed the good wolf. I recognized that in this world it is so easy to feed the wrong wolf and therefore absolutely crucial to consciously feed the good wolf. So I have been consciously reading my scriptures and searching for truth, reading good books, listening to good music and overflowing my mind with more positive and effective thoughts and thought patterns.

This morning as I was pondering I thought of the moments I had as a child to choose which wolf to feed, and the moments I was tempted to choose wrong, it was in those moments that I grew my spiritual muscles. It was those moments that make what seems to easy today be so easy, when in fact I have just had practice that others may not have had the privilege to have. As a child and youth reared in the gospel I was keenly aware of temptations and certain pitfalls that others who were not raised in the gospel may not have seen the warning signs. It made me resolve to be less judgmental of those who struggle with things that I do not struggle with. I am so grateful to my earthly parents and my Heavenly parents who taught me at a young age and saved me from the many pitfalls and heartache that I could have encountered. I am sure I have been blessed way beyond my own recognition!

Measuring Stick

Dinner is over, the kids scramble off to get ready for bed and I'm left with putting the left overs away and washing the dishes. As I wash the dishes I'm recounting the day. What was good about it, what went wrong, what could have gone better, what was done, what was left undone, etc. I said to my  husband "You know what stinks about being a mom? Well I guess you could say it's good depending on how you look at it but there is no measuring stick to see how you are doing. At the end of the day I can't just look at this measuring stick and see that I didn't quite make it to the top but with a few changes I could make it there, or I could see that it was a good successful day, or I could see that I was totally failing, even better I could see that I was going above and beyond. There is no such thing though.

I struggle to fall asleep as I lay in bed wondering if I did everything right and what I could change to make the rest of the days better. I'm wondering if my time was spent in the best place possible with the child who needs it most. I'm left wondering if I met all of their needs or if something in their tiny hearts went unseen. I feel guilt over the moments of impatience and worry what I might mess up tomorrow cause as much as I might promise myself I'll never get impatient or cross with them again, I know I will.

I say this not to evoke sympathy but I want you to know; I understand. I know I can't be the only mother who at the end of the day wonders "Did I make a difference? Did I teach the children anything today? Did I learn something from the struggles of the day so that I can be a better mother tomorrow? Did I prioritize well? Was I present and available for my children? Was something important missed?  Did I listen to my husband when he came home or did I get lost in the chaos of the evening? Did we have family time? Did we do anything memorable? What did I even feed my kids today? Are they better off because they have me as their mother? Am I making the best choices for my family"?

I am sure to each mother I would measure differently on her measuring stick. Some would applaud my efforts and others would notice my failures. Some would see why I'm doing what I am doing and would praise me for it, others wouldn't understand and would think I am wasting my time; or even damaging my kids. Each one would have a different set of views and therefore different advice and council. There is no doubt if someone could shadow my day they would find their faults in my strengths. That's what we do as mothers. We look around at the mothers who go to work and still seem able to do everything, who get to stay home, who do crafts with their kids, who go to play dates, eat organic food, exercise, do free lance jobs, blog, start a business, decorate their house perfectly, keep their house immaculate, etc. Whatever current thing we are struggling with and we think "I should be able to do that."

I heard a person once say "stop 'shoulding' on yourself" it's messy, it's not attractive, it's not healthy and it's completely unnecessary. The times I am most successful as a mother are the times that I am noticing the good I do.  The times that I am staying close to the Lord and I quietly pray "Please Lord, tell me what I am doing RIGHT because I can no longer deal with hearing what I am doing wrong." I found out he is pretty eager to let us know. I also found out that maybe that's what my kids need sometimes too. To know what they are doing right, how they are progressing and learning. To recognize where they have come from and the accomplishments they have made.

By paying attention to what I need I'm better able to see their needs.  If I take the time for me and step out of my role as a mother for just a moment I'm better able to see my children as what they are; growing spirits, who have yearnings to learn and develop, to create, to prove themselves, to make a difference, to find their passion and their purpose. It's in those moments that the huge list of "should's" suddenly disappear and I'm left with just a few personal things for each of my children that their Father in Heaven wants them to know at this very moment. That list is manageable and that list is undoubtedly the most important things.

So throw away the measuring stick, get rid of your should's, stop checking facebook for more ideas on how to be a better mother, or pinterest for how to compete with the rest of the mothers and take some time to get on your knees and really listen. Your search will be over, no more researching necessary, no sorting through opinions and advice, no hurt feelings from someone misinterpreting your post on fb asking for advice, and nobody will steer you wrong because you will be listening to Him and He knows what needs to happen in your life.

Brotherly, Sisterly and Ancestorly love

Ancestorly might not exactly be a word but work with me here. :)

It dawned on me the other day just how loved my children are. I was at a family reunion for my husband's side of the family and I was watching people watch my kids and the other grandkids, nieces, nephews etc play. There were alot of people I knew from previous family gatherings but most of their names escape me, even so as I watched them watch my children I could see the joy in their faces as they saw them play. They asked us about our lives and listened attentively and it dawned on me..."These people actually love my kids." They may not see them alot and they may not have a deep relationship with them but still they love them. They hope for the best for them and are excited about their successes. It got me thinking about all the people on my husband's side of the family and on my side of the family that love my children. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of even those on the other side of the veil and their interest on our behalf and I realized we have no idea how many people are rooting for us right from the get go. There is so much excitement when another little one is born into this world. Everyone wants to know if the baby will be healthy, who the baby will look like and what personality traits him or her will have. It's funny how genes really play a role in our attributes from parents, to grandparents and aunts and uncles. Someone somewhere up the line can relate to how you feel, cause they got that gene too!

Years ago when I was pregnant with Jaidyn I felt the constant companionship of a loved one on the other side of the veil. I don't know her name but the name Beth always came to mind when I thought of her. I had always felt like she was probably an ancestor looking out for me but after that day at the family reunion I have no doubt she is one of my ancestors, for some reason I imagine from my dad's side. I was going through a rough time. Carl James was a little over 3 1/2 and the twins were a little over 2. Carl James was going through an emotional time and was being very defiant and the twins were into everything! Let's just say my patience was not what it should be but having Beth around saved me quite a few times. I vividly remember one time I was doing laundry and I heard commotion in the other room, I remember my blood was starting to boil and I was ready to go into the room yelling and impatient. It was as clear as day when I heard Beth say "Be nice." Those were the words but the emotion conveyed was much, much more. There was the love of a mother and grandmother in the room. I felt understanding from her about where I was coming from but also compassion for my tiny growing children. I felt patience emanating from her and I could almost feel her touch my arm gently as I went to go scold the children.

Sadly I didn't stay as calm as I had hoped but having that reminder and one that was filled with so much love made me see with different eyes. Instead of seeing what my children were doing I was able to see what my children needed. I was reminded how little they were and since her correction of my attitude came from a place of love and understanding I didn't beat myself up but instead just resolved to do better. I didn't waste any time wallowing in sadness I just decided they needed more, they needed better and I could do that. I felt her presence with me alot during those few months and I will forever be grateful to her gentle reminders and her constant companionship through such a rough time in my life and a time that my children needed her as well.

These experiences combined help me to see much more clearly how much love is out there in the world. We often feel alone and like we are navigating this life alone but we have no idea how many people are just waiting to be asked to help. We have no idea the people beyond the veil just wanting us to ask for their presence and their heavenly help. I imagine if I could see with clear eyes that my children are constantly surrounded by angels. My mother has a quote in her bedroom and it says "Legions of angels watch over the children of parents who pray." Legions, that's alot and I don't doubt it. That has always brought me much comfort. I never imagined growing up that those legions of angels are most likely my ancestors. There is a quote on facebook that I recently saw that is on "The Mankind Project" fb page it says "Suddenly all of my ancestors are behind me. 'Be still' they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands."  I felt that the other day as I sat in the park realizing how loved my children are. As I thought of the people before me I was overwhelmed with love and  it was that day that I realized how loved I am and how loved you are.

Never forget "you are the result of the love of thousands"

To just "Be"

Have you ever had a time in your life where you needed to "just be"? A time where no one demanded anything of you other than just being yourself. A time where it wasn't about what you could do for others as much as it was about who you are and wishing others just appreciated that as a gift. A time where you could be free of guilt for not adding more to your plate than you can handle. A time that was just about your growth and nothing else. A time where you could literally just be you and that would be enough.

We all had that time at least once in our lives. We came into this world as tiny infants not able to do anything for ourselves. We had nothing to contribute and you could easily say we weren't very useful but regardless we were loved beyond measure. Just our existence brought joy to others. Every tiny progression was celebrated. Even something as simple as our first smile. The first time we learned to show affection was cause to celebrate. We were appreciated, we were loved, we were accepted and we did NOTHING to earn it.

When did that change? When was it that we decided that we had to do something, volunteer for something, or have a certain talent to be loved and appreciated. When did we stop feeling like we bring joy to the world just by being ourselves? When did "being me" stop being enough? When did our tiny, tiny progressions stop meaning something and when did our small setbacks start meaning so much? When did we stop smiling just to make others smile back at us? When did we decide that the reflection in the mirror was anything short of miraculous?

I think a certain degree of selfishness is healthy. You can call it self preservation or self love if you like that term better but somewhere in the mix "self" has to matter. I think there is something to be said about just being you and the joy you bring to others by being yourself. I think as we come to be more true to ourselves our priorities are aligned alot better and we are drawn to do things where our talents and our passions are best put to use. There is a time and a season for all things. I think we often feel guilty taking time for ourselves for our own healing and self reflection and understanding. There are times when other things must take the back burner so that we aren't the thing on the back burner anymore. There is nothing wrong with just being you and taking a breather.

For each of us that will look different but the thing that will be the same is that something somewhere will have to go in order for you to find that balance and the time needed to rejuvinate and look inward. While you are there it is important to remember the little things. Know that others appreciate your company, your wisdom, your laughter and your presence and it's okay if that is all that you give for a while. Honestly I think we are drawn to give where we are most needed and useful. Try to tap into what you are drawn to and over time you will probably see a pattern. It's okay to not be interested in every volunteer/service opportunity out there. Be open to the possiblity that it's NOT where you are needed.

I get easily sucked into doing the good things that I think others think I should be doing. Then I can get resentful or worn out and my life at home suffers because I'm being pulled too many directions. I keep having to relearn that sometimes letting go and saying no are the hardest part. The Lord has his own expectations of me and where I should be spending my time and talents. If I get too wrapped up into what I think my spouse, my neighbor, my friends, my parents, siblings, inlaws etc want me to do then I lose who I am and I lose purpose. I have to get right with God and that is IT. I don't need to seek anyone else's approval because no one else's vision is as clear or wide as God's is. If I allow myself to ask God what he wants me to do and I trust that I can find so much more inner peace than trying to make everyone understand my choices.

I realized that by trying to help everyone understand my choices I am not helping them at all. Sometimes we as humans are judgemental of others circumstances and it doesnt matter what they say. We don't get it but over time God can teach us to be much more loving and accepting than we had previously been. So if I make a decision about my family and someone doesn't understand it and it causes them to see me in a negative light then God now has the opportunity to teach His child a higher way to see, to love and to accept but if I spend my time trying to cater my life and decisions to others views/opinions then God loses that opportunity to show His child another way of living or seeing through me.

So much of life is way more about us than it is about others. Even as a mother it's more about me than my kids. Most people will tell you they learned more from their kids than their parents. Kids have a way of really teaching us about ourselves, about life and if we are listening about God. So it's okay to "just be you" for a while. That's actually a pretty hard job in a world that is always throwing so many opinions and views your way.