I have watched my son's stomach grow and grow over the last several months. I have assumed that this is due to his constipation being worse and so I have tried to be more and more consistent with our bowel regimen and to switch things up a bit. He has had some minimal relief but not enough to ease my anxiety or the tightness of his shirt. It's hard to explain the pain a mother feels when she finds out her child is disabled or the pain she feels as she sees this disability cause him to struggle in life. It's hard to explain the pain you feel when your child stumbles over and over and in time you learn to "get used to it" or ignore it. Watching him fall to his knees used to make my heart drop in pain. Now there are times when other people are more considerate of him than me. I have to let the pain go or it controls me.
This is a new heart dropping pain. I knew he was gaining weight but when we went to spina bifida clinic and they put a number to it, it was hard to hear. 20 lbs in 9 months! The rest of the family eats the same thing. We haven't gained any extra weight. Why, oh, why does he? The dietician tried to help us examine our lives. "Is he eating his veggies, is he drinking lots of juice, is he active, is he on a schedule, what does he eat at school, what does he eat at home?" It felt like too much to bear. Someone dissecting my life. I felt threatened. I knew my son was gaining weight and fast. I wasn't sure what to do about it. He is so used to being bloated I wonder if he knows when he is full but can you really limit a 7 year olds portions? I didn't feel right doing that. He is a growing boy and I know several boys that gained weight at this age. Still my concern grew. He already struggles to walk. Will his knees and legs be able to handle the added weight?
The dietician went on. This time with suggestions. More veggies, two servings of veggies but only one serving of the main dish, less carbs, more daily activity, wheelchair sports, etc., etc. I knew she was trying to be helpful. Every other year at clinic I always had lots and lots of questions but that day she had hit a sensitive spot. I was so upset I couldn't even be polite, I just tolerated her and what felt like her stabs at my motherhood. It was all so personal. I had already dealt with this struggle inside and come up short. I knew the answers and real life were in conflict. I worried there would be fights about food; never a healthy thing. I worried about starving my child. All I could do was continue to go on and keep things normal. The only changes we made were to make sure all of the children were drinking plenty of water. Once in a while we would tell our son that he had, had enough food (if he had at least 3 servings or 2 large servings) but even this concerned me.
The option to eat more veggies and less of the main dish is a good option. Veggies just aren't as filling and he is after all a growing boy, but it is an option that we are going to start implementing and just play it by ear. My heart aches as I button up his shirt and the shirt bunches up. My heart aches as I see him out of breath after a short bout of running. My heart aches as I see him sitting down and his belly scrunches up. If I knew this was only a phase and not a way of life I would be okay. I could handle it. Weight gain is never healthy but for him it means a lot more disadvantage. Possibly the difference between being wheelchair bound or not. I'm surprised at how deeply this affects me and therefore worried to put too much focus on it, or he will feel my anxiety as well and that will only compound the problem.
I'm trying. I really am but sometimes, not trying, is better. At least while you get your bearings and let go of the emotion that makes things so difficult for you. I know I need to figure out why this hits home so hard and after I do that I can tackle trying to help my boy be back to a healthy weight but first I need to figure out my issues that are weighing me down before I can help him with his.
kids 2014
Friday, December 26, 2014
Why I homeschool
It's November 25th. I started to feel impressed it was time to homeschool my kids again about two weeks ago. I pulled my son out of kindergarten in December of 2012 and homeschooled him all the way through first grade, except the last 5 weeks of school, I knew at that time that I would be sending him to public school for 2nd grade and wanted the school to have a chance to get to know him and his limitations and what accommodations he would need because of his disability. So I was surprised when many of my concerns from last time I felt impressed to homeschool came up. Though not as intense as they had come up previously.
I wondered..."Am I smart enough? Can I stick to a schedule? What type of curriculum should I use? Will it be expensive to homeschool? What will his aunts, uncles and grandparents think? What will my friends and neighbors think? What if he is behind and I don't know it? Would I be a good teacher? Will he listen to me?" Among the concerns were thoughts if it truly was inspiration that I needed to homeschool. I thought..."He is happy at school. I like his teacher, he is doing well socially and academically. He has friends, he LIKES school." That's the one that got me most "He LIKES school." Previously I had thought that people homeschooled because they had a problem with the school but we thought school was just fine. Sure there were kinks to work out because of his special needs but they were minor, nothing to pull him out of school for. In time I got up the courage to pull him out of school, it took me 5 months! (I had, had the thought to homeschool before he even started school).
We started out playing games and building things to help his fine motor skills. Over time I found phonics books, handwriting books and math books. We used these and supplemented them with games and crafts. When I wasn't sure what to teach I just pulled out the math book and I would know he was supposed to be learning coins, or place values etc. As time went on I saw my little boy come back alive. Instead of just laying on the floor for quiet time he would build things and for the first time in 3 years he played with toys and for the first time in his life he would pretend. Before this I would watch my twins play and their pretend play was evolving. His was not, and I tried to tell myself he just wasn't interested in pretending but I knew this should be a natural process of a child's development. I felt such relief to see his play evolve and his creativity emerge. It was like he finally had a voice and confidence.
I am not sure if there was anything wrong at school per say. It's possible he heard kids whispers about his disability but kids are so accepting at that age, I doubt that was the true issue. The first few years of his life were difficult. There were lots of changes and moving and it lacked consistency and stability. I think he needed some time at home where he was loved and accepted and time where life was a little more still. He needed the things only a mother says or does. He needed individual attention. As I prayed about what I needed to focus on most with homeschooling I was told that I needed to build his confidence, so as we would do school I was very careful to be patient and soft with him, a trait that carried over into our everyday life. He just needed to know that he was okay and that his world was safe and stable.
No matter how good a public school is he would not have gotten that from attending public school. I am grateful that I trusted in my maternal instincts and got over my fear. I heard a quote last night as my children and I watched Princess Diaries 2
“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear."
In time I came to realize that my son needed me to homeschool and that the Lord knew my limitations. So if he said it was what needed to be done, then I had better not argue. So this time, I am feeling impressed again to homeschool. School is going great, even better than kindergarten did. We love the principal and the people that take care of his toileting needs. Him and his sisters have friends and I always hear kids yelling their names to say hi. My son is behind but he is quickly progressing. We are seeing some patterns that normally go along with spina bifida such as slow processing but that is to be expected and not something the school is doing wrong. We love the kids teachers. Carl James loves the chance to eat lunch at school and all of the children love recess. All seems well in their world but I am not one to argue with inspiration (okay well at least not for long :)) So this time, I am doing my research. I am reading books about homeschooling and learning different approaches to homeschooling. I am engrossing myself in the homeschooling philosophy and the homeschooling mindset.
One thing I read is that in essence "Homeschooling at it's heart is parenting. When we become parents we are responsible for helping our children grow into healthy and responsible adults. That's a big responsibility! When you first became a parent you didn't know whether you could do it. Yet you did and you are." (this is a very watered down version of what Lisa Rivero says in her book "The Homeschooling Option") If you speak to a homeschooling veteran you will often hear the same thing "Trust your child's innate desire to learn, don't worry about whether they are behind or ahead, each child learns at their own pace." I am learning to appreciate the learning process and to guide it rather than try to control it. Maybe in time I will learn to be lead by it. :)
All I know is homeschooling worked for me and works for many other people. I was homeschooled as a child and I attribute my confidence and self awareness to being homeschooled. When I finally entered public school (in Jr. High) peer pressure was a non issue to me. I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. Nobody could change my core beliefs and core attributes. Something in my heart is being called out to homeschool. I may not understand exactly why homeschooling works. I don't have the luxury of having 20 years of experience doing it and therefore knowing without a doubt that it works but in my heart I know there is good in it and for us it is a good fit.
This was one of those moments that I knew homeschooling was the right choice. My son for the first time in a long time initiated a game all by himself. He took these hangers and did a monkeys in a barrel type of construction. It might seem really small and insignificant but when you have a child that used to be very hands on and interested in the mechanics of things and then suddenly he isn't doing that anymore and he isn't pretending it's very disconcerting. This picture was taken a few months after we had been homeschooling and I had seen small but significant changes in his confidence and his ability to deal with or handle unpleasant situations.
I wondered..."Am I smart enough? Can I stick to a schedule? What type of curriculum should I use? Will it be expensive to homeschool? What will his aunts, uncles and grandparents think? What will my friends and neighbors think? What if he is behind and I don't know it? Would I be a good teacher? Will he listen to me?" Among the concerns were thoughts if it truly was inspiration that I needed to homeschool. I thought..."He is happy at school. I like his teacher, he is doing well socially and academically. He has friends, he LIKES school." That's the one that got me most "He LIKES school." Previously I had thought that people homeschooled because they had a problem with the school but we thought school was just fine. Sure there were kinks to work out because of his special needs but they were minor, nothing to pull him out of school for. In time I got up the courage to pull him out of school, it took me 5 months! (I had, had the thought to homeschool before he even started school).
We started out playing games and building things to help his fine motor skills. Over time I found phonics books, handwriting books and math books. We used these and supplemented them with games and crafts. When I wasn't sure what to teach I just pulled out the math book and I would know he was supposed to be learning coins, or place values etc. As time went on I saw my little boy come back alive. Instead of just laying on the floor for quiet time he would build things and for the first time in 3 years he played with toys and for the first time in his life he would pretend. Before this I would watch my twins play and their pretend play was evolving. His was not, and I tried to tell myself he just wasn't interested in pretending but I knew this should be a natural process of a child's development. I felt such relief to see his play evolve and his creativity emerge. It was like he finally had a voice and confidence.
I am not sure if there was anything wrong at school per say. It's possible he heard kids whispers about his disability but kids are so accepting at that age, I doubt that was the true issue. The first few years of his life were difficult. There were lots of changes and moving and it lacked consistency and stability. I think he needed some time at home where he was loved and accepted and time where life was a little more still. He needed the things only a mother says or does. He needed individual attention. As I prayed about what I needed to focus on most with homeschooling I was told that I needed to build his confidence, so as we would do school I was very careful to be patient and soft with him, a trait that carried over into our everyday life. He just needed to know that he was okay and that his world was safe and stable.
No matter how good a public school is he would not have gotten that from attending public school. I am grateful that I trusted in my maternal instincts and got over my fear. I heard a quote last night as my children and I watched Princess Diaries 2
“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear."
In time I came to realize that my son needed me to homeschool and that the Lord knew my limitations. So if he said it was what needed to be done, then I had better not argue. So this time, I am feeling impressed again to homeschool. School is going great, even better than kindergarten did. We love the principal and the people that take care of his toileting needs. Him and his sisters have friends and I always hear kids yelling their names to say hi. My son is behind but he is quickly progressing. We are seeing some patterns that normally go along with spina bifida such as slow processing but that is to be expected and not something the school is doing wrong. We love the kids teachers. Carl James loves the chance to eat lunch at school and all of the children love recess. All seems well in their world but I am not one to argue with inspiration (okay well at least not for long :)) So this time, I am doing my research. I am reading books about homeschooling and learning different approaches to homeschooling. I am engrossing myself in the homeschooling philosophy and the homeschooling mindset.
One thing I read is that in essence "Homeschooling at it's heart is parenting. When we become parents we are responsible for helping our children grow into healthy and responsible adults. That's a big responsibility! When you first became a parent you didn't know whether you could do it. Yet you did and you are." (this is a very watered down version of what Lisa Rivero says in her book "The Homeschooling Option") If you speak to a homeschooling veteran you will often hear the same thing "Trust your child's innate desire to learn, don't worry about whether they are behind or ahead, each child learns at their own pace." I am learning to appreciate the learning process and to guide it rather than try to control it. Maybe in time I will learn to be lead by it. :)
All I know is homeschooling worked for me and works for many other people. I was homeschooled as a child and I attribute my confidence and self awareness to being homeschooled. When I finally entered public school (in Jr. High) peer pressure was a non issue to me. I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. Nobody could change my core beliefs and core attributes. Something in my heart is being called out to homeschool. I may not understand exactly why homeschooling works. I don't have the luxury of having 20 years of experience doing it and therefore knowing without a doubt that it works but in my heart I know there is good in it and for us it is a good fit.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Celebrating poop
When you have a child with spina bifida your whole life seems to revolve around poop or the lack of it. For those of you that have suffered with constipation or had a child that has suffered with constipation you will be able to appreciate this post much more fully than those who have not. :) My son, who is now 7, has spina bifida, part of having spina bifida is having what is called a neurogenic bowel. Basically the natural peristalsis of the bowel is severely impaired or nonexistent. Most children with spina bifida need to be on a daily laxative along with daily suppositories or enemas, or cone enemas which is basically irrigating the bowel to produce a bowel movement.
Carl James has been suffering with constipation pretty much since I started supplementing nursing with formula. Breast milk is a natural laxative but as soon as we added even a little bit of formula he started to get constipated and it has only worsened over time. We recently went to the doctor and they told us since March he has gained 20 lbs (it's December right now). I had noticed over the last several months that his stomach just kept growing and the constipation was getting worse and worse. We have been in contact with the spina bifida clinic and changing his bowel regimen but it is a slow process and an adjustment in schedule which always takes time to implement. So I was and am curious how much of that 20 lbs is dried up fecal matter.
His regimen now is to take 1 1/2 pills of Senna every night and then do the cone enema in the morning. Here is what the system looks like.....
Carl James has been suffering with constipation pretty much since I started supplementing nursing with formula. Breast milk is a natural laxative but as soon as we added even a little bit of formula he started to get constipated and it has only worsened over time. We recently went to the doctor and they told us since March he has gained 20 lbs (it's December right now). I had noticed over the last several months that his stomach just kept growing and the constipation was getting worse and worse. We have been in contact with the spina bifida clinic and changing his bowel regimen but it is a slow process and an adjustment in schedule which always takes time to implement. So I was and am curious how much of that 20 lbs is dried up fecal matter.
His regimen now is to take 1 1/2 pills of Senna every night and then do the cone enema in the morning. Here is what the system looks like.....
I start by having my son remove his diaper and sit on the toilet. Then I fill the bag up with 500 cc of water and add 1tsp salt. Then I lubricate the cone and insert it in and open the valve to let the water flow. We leave the cone in for a while to allow the stool to soften and then we remove the cone and have him push.
This is where we hang the bag. It's nice décor don't ya think? ;)
We have been doing this off and on for a couple of years but in the last few months it has been a daily routine. He wasn't receiving any relief and so we changed things up and still was only receiving minimal relief. So here is the part I am excited about....I have always thought that sitting on the toilet (working against gravity) was counterintuitive but I knew he would whine and complain about laying down in the tub but it was finally worth the fight. So I looked online for cone enema solutions. I was surprised to find many. As I was scrolling I found one that involves using lemon juice. When I am feeling a little sluggish I do something called a liver cleanse which is
The 1 Tbsp of Fresh Lemon Juice
1 drop of Lemon oil
1 drop of Peppermint oil
I always go running to the bathroom half an hour after this. So I figured lemon just made sense. So we changed our routine a little and had him lay in the tub on his left side. I added the juice of one small lemon to his cone enema bag and we also decided to wait a full 5 minutes before pulling the cone out. At first there were not much results and so we decided to move onto his morning bath but then we realized we needed to move to the toilet and wow!!!! Can I just say WOW! Never have I been so happy to have a clogged toilet! It seems silly to be happy over a bowel movement especially a large smelly one but I was in tears!!! It had been so long and he has been so bloated. The doctors said the x-ray (of his bowels) looked good and he had hardly any stool in there but my mommy gut new better. You shouldn't be able to watch someone's stomach grow over months (unless they are pregnant). He shouldn't fit into pants one week and then not the next.
If anything, my child having spina bifida has helped me appreciate the small things in life. Even if it is that I have the ability to relieve myself regularly :)
(I apologize to those of you that were offended or grossed out by this but I know we are not the only ones suffering this fate and I wanted to post not only my success but also my gratitude for something finally working!)
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
I am done
I am done. The house is a mess. There is laundry to fold. The kids are tired and whiney. I just got done volunteering at the daycare at a gym so that I can get free daycare when I go workout. The kids are hungry again even though we ate dinner before we went to the daycare. When we went to leave the daycare Jaidyn didn't want to leave and refused to put on her coat and shoes and suddenly thought she needed to wash her hands. When I wouldn't let her she then decided she needed to put on her shoes. I practically had to drag her to the car. I left the library books there since I was distracted fighting with her and I was almost home when I realized I didn't have them, so we drove back because I figured library books at a daycare with toddlers was probably a bad idea.
Now that we are home there are kids begging to sleep in my room, my son needs laxative and a diaper change but he is so tired he doesn't want to deal with it. I'm looking at the house thinking "Clean so I can have a fresh start tomorrow or go to sleep so I can wake up refreshed?" Decisions, decisions. I don't want to clean. I am done. At least until tomorrow. I will wake up again, start the day again. Kind of reminds me of the movie "Live, Die, Repeat." Pretty much sums up a mothers day, right? ;)
Now that we are home there are kids begging to sleep in my room, my son needs laxative and a diaper change but he is so tired he doesn't want to deal with it. I'm looking at the house thinking "Clean so I can have a fresh start tomorrow or go to sleep so I can wake up refreshed?" Decisions, decisions. I don't want to clean. I am done. At least until tomorrow. I will wake up again, start the day again. Kind of reminds me of the movie "Live, Die, Repeat." Pretty much sums up a mothers day, right? ;)
Saturday, November 22, 2014
The diagnosis
I was pregnant with my first baby. The day had finally come for the targeted ultrasound. The doctor had told us about the 3d images and we were excited to get a glimpse to see what our son would look like, whose nose would he have, would he look familiar or at this stage to babies look like aliens. So many questions but mostly just excitement! This was one of the few appointments my husband could make it to and we were excited to be able to go together and check up on our babies growth. We went in the room and the sonographer started to look over our cute bundle of joy within the womb. She checked his heart rate and looked for fingers and toes, she checked his organs but...she kept going back to his back, after the third time I saw something that didn't look normal to me, there was a sac on his back, I thought "a sac.....a sac....I know I learned about this in anatomy in high school, this isn't good...come on...remember Megan....remember"
"I am going to get your doctor. Why don't you wait out in this room." I snapped back into the moment...."okay." I said. We waited in the middle of all the doctor offices. I told my husband that something was wrong and that the sonographer kept looking at something. He tried to reassure me that everything was okay, but I knew better, and later I would find out, so did he. After what felt like forever the doctor finally came and spoke with us. Her words cut like a knife...."your baby has spina bifida. He may never walk, he may be incontinent of bowel and bladder and he may be totally fine. The range is so big, we just don't know. We will have to wait until he is born to know what his mobility is like. I am sorry. Do you have any questions?" I fell against my husband's chest and sobbed, a very quite sob, my heart was broken.
The next several weeks and months were filled with doctor appointments, lots of web research and explaining to friends, family and co workers what spina bifida is, to the best of my ability. The nurse at primary children's told me that most parents just want to start out and let their baby just be their baby. They don't want to worry too much about the details of spina bifida. Since they couldn't tell me whether or not my son would walk that seemed like sound advice and I felt the same feeling that she explained other parents feeling. I remember wanting my son to stay in my womb. Where it was safe and warm and where I could feel him kicking. Feeling him kicking was the only thing that got me through the next several months. Anytime I worried about his future and what his life would be like he would get extra wiggly in my stomach and I told myself it was his way of reassuring me that he was strong enough to handle the life he had been given. I really had no idea how strong my little man would actually be.
The time came for him to be born and I can honestly say I felt nothing but excitement. I was ready to welcome him into this world and give him the best shot a mother has ever given her son, or at least the best I could possibly do. :)
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We followed the nurses advice and we just let him be our baby. Sure there were doctor appointments, surgeries and therapy but at home he was just Carl James. We could tell early on that he had a goofy, sunny personality and we knew that though there were trials and there would continue to be trials our lives were better with him in it. I know many mothers that were either asked if they wanted to abort their child with spina bifida or the doctors tried to convince the mother to do so, but all are glad that they didn't. Having a child with a disability is hard but there are so many things we appreciate now that we probably would have taken for granted before. We have a different perspective now and we have a greater capacity to love and appreciate others and to appreciate the happy moments in life.
If you have been asked to go on this journey I can promise you that strength will be added to you, joy will enter your life, and your life, though difficult, will be better because you loved someone that at first glance may seem broken but on further examination is more whole than most people you have met or will meet in your life.
"I am going to get your doctor. Why don't you wait out in this room." I snapped back into the moment...."okay." I said. We waited in the middle of all the doctor offices. I told my husband that something was wrong and that the sonographer kept looking at something. He tried to reassure me that everything was okay, but I knew better, and later I would find out, so did he. After what felt like forever the doctor finally came and spoke with us. Her words cut like a knife...."your baby has spina bifida. He may never walk, he may be incontinent of bowel and bladder and he may be totally fine. The range is so big, we just don't know. We will have to wait until he is born to know what his mobility is like. I am sorry. Do you have any questions?" I fell against my husband's chest and sobbed, a very quite sob, my heart was broken.
The next several weeks and months were filled with doctor appointments, lots of web research and explaining to friends, family and co workers what spina bifida is, to the best of my ability. The nurse at primary children's told me that most parents just want to start out and let their baby just be their baby. They don't want to worry too much about the details of spina bifida. Since they couldn't tell me whether or not my son would walk that seemed like sound advice and I felt the same feeling that she explained other parents feeling. I remember wanting my son to stay in my womb. Where it was safe and warm and where I could feel him kicking. Feeling him kicking was the only thing that got me through the next several months. Anytime I worried about his future and what his life would be like he would get extra wiggly in my stomach and I told myself it was his way of reassuring me that he was strong enough to handle the life he had been given. I really had no idea how strong my little man would actually be.
The time came for him to be born and I can honestly say I felt nothing but excitement. I was ready to welcome him into this world and give him the best shot a mother has ever given her son, or at least the best I could possibly do. :)
Here is his opening in his spine before they closed it.
I had no idea how much my love for him would grow from the moment I first saw and held him and how it would continue to grow. Because I didn't know this I could never have imagined the difficulties I was about to endure and the deep need for a shoulder to cry on. I grew up around children and babies and so I never felt fear at the daily tasks of becoming a mother. I was surprised how reluctant I was to touch him, he seemed so fragile and I felt so ill equipped to take care of his needs. I remember asking the nurses to come in and help me pick him up so that I could nurse him. He was hooked to monitors, oxygen, an IV, and had a catheter in. Also I couldn't touch his back. Then there was a lovely nurse that decided it was time to teach me how to unhook the things that I could and how to position the cords. It was that little bit of knowledge that made me start to feel like his mother. Later my mother helped me position him onto my chest and lay down with him. Up until that point I had been nursing him with two pillows on my lap to keep him in a good position without touching his back. He was two days old and in that moment that I finally felt my baby lay his head against my chest, then I finally felt like his mother and he finally felt like my baby. Maternal instinct kicked in.
The tears just flowed and flowed as I held him against my chest for the first time.
The week at the hospital was difficult and I never left his side unless another family member was there. After a week we were able to go home and I was able to just let him be my baby, for a little while. A week later he started to show signs of hydrocephalus . The doctors had warned us that 80% of children with Spina Bifida develop hydrocephalus. Still I hoped he wouldn't be one. He started to act lethargic and then stopped responding to sound. My mother told me I needed to take him in, I cried "but then they will do surgery!!" Of course that is what he needed and that is what we did. Back to the hospital we went. He came out from surgery and immediately reacted to sound again, his eyes got their sparkle back and I knew everything was better in our little world.
As the months went on we found out more and more about spina bifida, at each clinic visit and with each visit my heart seemed to break a little more. Time went on and we found out more and more about his limitations and abilities. The best part of this story is that I realized he was just like any other baby. He cried when he was hungry, when he learned to crawl he got into everything, his laughter lit up my world and his tenacity enthralled me.
If you have been asked to go on this journey I can promise you that strength will be added to you, joy will enter your life, and your life, though difficult, will be better because you loved someone that at first glance may seem broken but on further examination is more whole than most people you have met or will meet in your life.
Yucky Mirrors
This morning as I was picking up the bathroom I happened to notice the current “yucky” state of my bathroom mirror. There were handprints from children and smears of toothpaste scattered all over the mirror. As I looked in the mirror I discovered how hard it was to actually see myself. I started to think of how I could use this as a lesson to teach my children. I called them in to show them the yucky state of the mirror and asked “Is it kind of hard to see yourself in this mirror when it’s all dirty like that?” They all agreed that it was. I told them to come back in a few minutes. I cleaned the mirror until it was sparkling and there was a perfect reflection of myself in it. I called the children back and first pointed out how well I could see all of their beautiful faces. I proceeded to tell them this….Sometimes in life we get like this mirror. On the outside we still look clean but inside we feel dirty from mistakes we have made. As we look within ourselves we cant see past the dirty. All we see is the dirty and so we believe that, that is all we are. We carry that burden with us and forget how beautiful we really are underneath all of they yuck. But when we turn to our God and our Savior we can be wiped clean and then we can see ourselves for who we truly are. (I then went on to explain that, that is how baptism works) Thank goodness for a dirty mirror!
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Bedtime Snuggles
I had a dream the other night. In my dream I was 17 years old again and all of my siblings were the age they were when I was 17. In my dream my mother had passed and I felt so angry at the world and even angry at her for leaving me. I am the oldest girl of 7 children and I felt the need to take on her role as nurturer. I worried..."What will I teach my younger sister about dating, my mom should be here to teach the one younger than her to shave her legs and how to handle her period, and my youngest sister has so much to learn about being a woman, I dont know how to be a woman!" I felt grief at the loss of my mother, my idol, and I felt overwhelmed and burdened by what I felt was now my responsibility.
Like this moment...I have the garbage bag in my hands ready to take it out and my son starts talking, he takes forever to form his thoughts into words and when he finally does he forgets crucial words or ideas even complete phrases so he hardly makes sense, I am about to walk toward the door halfway through his sentence when I hear the word "stop" in my head, I stopped, I listened, I responded, we smiled. It got me thinking....how many times do I walk away while he is talking? I always let him finish but I am always ready to go out of the room as soon as that one thought is done. What am I home for? I call myself a stay at home mom, not a stay at home maid. Unfortunately all of us have to clean at some point but not in such a rush or so engrossed that we totally miss out on the moments we stayed home for.
When I awoke that morning my thoughts turned to my girls, ages 6, 6, and 2. I have spent many days wondering what good I do being a stay at home mom. What part of the day really mattered and being overwhelmed by the mundane. As I awoke that morning though, something felt different. The smaller things were magnified for me. As I went throughout the day and as I have gone throughout the week I have been able to catch some of these moments in real time. I have been able to pinpoint some of them; things I was blind to before.
Tonight I got home from a busy night, my daughter was extra cuddly and as I went over the past few days I realized she has been really cuddly for a few days. I realized she needed a moment to wind down and maybe cry a bit. So we cuddled and we talked and there were moments I thought she was going to cry all night but I felt like I needed to just listen and be on her timetable. Eventually she told me she wanted my husband and I to be safe (she was concerened for our safety). I remember feeling that as a child, "what if something happens to my mom or dad?" It was a legitimate concern for her and probably the first time she realized that we arent superhumans, we are vulnerable too. Had I just sent her to bed I would have missed the moment.
After she shared with me the room felt different, we talked about a few things and I was able to express my love for her and my faith in her Heavenly Father who loves her. I could feel that I gained some of her trust tonight. That's a wonderful feeling. That was worth leaving picking up dishes from dinner for tommorow morning. I might have missed the window had I waited.
Here she is sleeping next to me while I write
That's something I am going to work on being better at. Living in the present and detecting the more subtle needs of my children. Noticing and taking advantage of those precious moments.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
And they heard the echoes of their mothers
I remember those time before I was a mother, and I would be out in public, and see a parent scolding or teaching their child, saying things like "You can't bite your sister, it hurts your sister when you bite her." and would think "I wonder if they know how stupid they sound? I am never going to say anything that dumb." Never say never. :)
Or as you were growing up and your mother would say something that seemed too unfair or too demanding and you thought "I won't be like that when I am a mom, when I am a mom I will be fair."
Then I became a parent "Dun, Dun, Dun!"....
I remember when my son was 3 years old he started to point and shake his finger when he was mad, like if I did something he didn't like then he would point and cry and say "NO!....NO!" I remember thinking "Where did he learn that? I don't do that; do I? I hated it when my parents did that. I told myself I would never do that." So I paid attention. Uh, yeah, I did that, and I did that a lot!
My mother told me about a time when I was four years old. I lined up all of my stuffed animals on my bed and proceeded to get them in trouble. She watched me from the hall and thought "Is that how I sound?" Twenty something years later I watched my 2 year old do the same thing and had the same thought.
Watching my children on the phone is the most comical thing ever. I am pretty sure I don't sound like that, unless I was pretending I was on the phone because a little one came up to me telling me her imaginary friend was on the phone. I guess that's what they copy, it's way more fun.
Kids are like a great big mirror where you can see all of yourself. The good, the bad, the ugly. The good news is my kids also mimic the good things I do, like the way I say "Awww! You look beautiful" when I see my two year old changed dresses for the third time and has come up to show me. They mimic the way I bandage an owie, or the way I comfort a sad child. My girls mimic the way I do my hair or the way I get dressed. My son repeats almost everything I say, with NO filter, not realizing that not everything in our home needs to be publicized. He even goes as far as to lecture his dad if his dad is not doing things the way my son is used to seeing them done.
Children teach us to look inward, to readjust and even at times they teach us that everything is okay just the way it is. Yesterday I had my hair up half way as I was straightening the bottom layers, my two year old daughter said "Mommy I like your hair." I told her thank you.
As I hear my mother in my voice and my words and as I hear my children repeating my words, my significance in this world is much clearer. The significance of mothers is much clearer. I made the accidental mistake of telling my husband I looked (or felt) fat in front of my 5 year old daughter and I heard her blurt out "You are not fat!" as she touched my stomach as if to soothe the wound I just gave it. Having 3 daughters I felt it was very important to be careful what I said about my body in front of them and to exclude any negative talk about my body at all, I want them to have healthy body images. As you can see I am still working on it. :)
As the echoes of my parents ring in my head, I am reverenced for the small, daily things of this world. The power of words, and the power of actions. I hope that my intentions will come through in my echoes but that's quite a risk to take, and so I change, I adjust, I explain and I ask forgiveness, every day and I will continue to do so. So that my echo may be an echo for good, just as with the stripling warriors....Alma 56:46-48
Fyi...It turns out that I am just as "stupid" as the stranger out in public teaching her child and I am just as "unfair and demanding" as my mother. I choose to allow myself to say the "stupid" (or obvious) things to my two year old because they are not obvious to her and I choose to be what seems unfair or demanding to my children, all for my children's sake.
Or as you were growing up and your mother would say something that seemed too unfair or too demanding and you thought "I won't be like that when I am a mom, when I am a mom I will be fair."
Then I became a parent "Dun, Dun, Dun!"....
I remember when my son was 3 years old he started to point and shake his finger when he was mad, like if I did something he didn't like then he would point and cry and say "NO!....NO!" I remember thinking "Where did he learn that? I don't do that; do I? I hated it when my parents did that. I told myself I would never do that." So I paid attention. Uh, yeah, I did that, and I did that a lot!
My mother told me about a time when I was four years old. I lined up all of my stuffed animals on my bed and proceeded to get them in trouble. She watched me from the hall and thought "Is that how I sound?" Twenty something years later I watched my 2 year old do the same thing and had the same thought.
Watching my children on the phone is the most comical thing ever. I am pretty sure I don't sound like that, unless I was pretending I was on the phone because a little one came up to me telling me her imaginary friend was on the phone. I guess that's what they copy, it's way more fun.
Kids are like a great big mirror where you can see all of yourself. The good, the bad, the ugly. The good news is my kids also mimic the good things I do, like the way I say "Awww! You look beautiful" when I see my two year old changed dresses for the third time and has come up to show me. They mimic the way I bandage an owie, or the way I comfort a sad child. My girls mimic the way I do my hair or the way I get dressed. My son repeats almost everything I say, with NO filter, not realizing that not everything in our home needs to be publicized. He even goes as far as to lecture his dad if his dad is not doing things the way my son is used to seeing them done.
Children teach us to look inward, to readjust and even at times they teach us that everything is okay just the way it is. Yesterday I had my hair up half way as I was straightening the bottom layers, my two year old daughter said "Mommy I like your hair." I told her thank you.
As I hear my mother in my voice and my words and as I hear my children repeating my words, my significance in this world is much clearer. The significance of mothers is much clearer. I made the accidental mistake of telling my husband I looked (or felt) fat in front of my 5 year old daughter and I heard her blurt out "You are not fat!" as she touched my stomach as if to soothe the wound I just gave it. Having 3 daughters I felt it was very important to be careful what I said about my body in front of them and to exclude any negative talk about my body at all, I want them to have healthy body images. As you can see I am still working on it. :)
As the echoes of my parents ring in my head, I am reverenced for the small, daily things of this world. The power of words, and the power of actions. I hope that my intentions will come through in my echoes but that's quite a risk to take, and so I change, I adjust, I explain and I ask forgiveness, every day and I will continue to do so. So that my echo may be an echo for good, just as with the stripling warriors....Alma 56:46-48
Fyi...It turns out that I am just as "stupid" as the stranger out in public teaching her child and I am just as "unfair and demanding" as my mother. I choose to allow myself to say the "stupid" (or obvious) things to my two year old because they are not obvious to her and I choose to be what seems unfair or demanding to my children, all for my children's sake.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Struggles
From the moment I entered motherhood I was ecstatic! I had waited so long to be a mother, (at least it seemed like it to me-I become a mother just a few short days before I turned 20, so it wasn't really that long of a wait), dreaming of it as a 10 year old little girl, what would it be like? As all mothers soon find out motherhood is full of joy but not without sorrow. Some struggles may be less visible than mine; my first born being born with Spina Bifida, but still struggles nonetheless. My sisters sons struggles with allergies, my friends children struggle with asthma and every cold turning into bronchitis or pneumonia, another friend struggles with gestational diabetes and extreme fatigue while pregnant and still caring for her other children. Amongst the struggles there are moments of peace, joy and tranquility. This is what I write about today.
It was almost 6 years ago, I sat at the couch journaling, writing down my worries, fears, concerns, inadequacies, when one of my twins (5 months old at the time) started to stir in her crib. Her stirring turned into a full out cry and I knew my moment of peace had ended. I wrote this poem after a precious moment with my daughter.....
Illuminating Purity
Lounging trying to unravel
weeks, months, and years of heartache and confusion.
Two years full of constant needs,
Worried I will lose all of myself.
The baby cries out, yet another call.
One after the other, never stopping.
I cradle her up, the crying immediately ceases.
All her worries vanish in a moment.
I pick myself up pushing aside my journal.
Once again burying life's questions deeper.
My darling daughter wraps her hand around my finger.
She looks deep into my eyes, I am her idol.
Me; the one with all the questions.
Binky in mouth, she smiles up at me.
Illuminating purity, simple yet joyous.
Untainted by the pollution of the world.
Unaffected by the cruelty of mankind.
Loving my every feature, unaware of my every flaw.
Life's questions still unanswered.
Confusion is sure to stay
Even so the picture turns so clear.
The path feels so simple, too short.
Too short to soak up all her childhood.
Too short to savor each moment.
For now all my worries vanish.
This moment is all my own.
By-Megan Eddy
There are so many sparks of joy in life. Don't let the worries of some imagined fate let you miss out on your children and the light they bring into a darkening world.
It was almost 6 years ago, I sat at the couch journaling, writing down my worries, fears, concerns, inadequacies, when one of my twins (5 months old at the time) started to stir in her crib. Her stirring turned into a full out cry and I knew my moment of peace had ended. I wrote this poem after a precious moment with my daughter.....
Illuminating Purity
Lounging trying to unravel
weeks, months, and years of heartache and confusion.
Two years full of constant needs,
Worried I will lose all of myself.
The baby cries out, yet another call.
One after the other, never stopping.
I cradle her up, the crying immediately ceases.
All her worries vanish in a moment.
I pick myself up pushing aside my journal.
Once again burying life's questions deeper.
My darling daughter wraps her hand around my finger.
She looks deep into my eyes, I am her idol.
Me; the one with all the questions.
Binky in mouth, she smiles up at me.
Illuminating purity, simple yet joyous.
Untainted by the pollution of the world.
Unaffected by the cruelty of mankind.
Loving my every feature, unaware of my every flaw.
Life's questions still unanswered.
Confusion is sure to stay
Even so the picture turns so clear.
The path feels so simple, too short.
Too short to soak up all her childhood.
Too short to savor each moment.
For now all my worries vanish.
This moment is all my own.
By-Megan Eddy
There are so many sparks of joy in life. Don't let the worries of some imagined fate let you miss out on your children and the light they bring into a darkening world.
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